PorcelainHearts

2011-12-28T20:30:00.001-07:00

I will now be posting on

Snowflakes & Silence

2011-12-22T17:22:00.001-07:00

Music: Hush - Automatic Loveletter

It's the shortest day of the year, the winter solstice.

I woke up to the cold, forgetting that I had only put on a thin t-shirt to bed and no socks.

It is somewhat magical. The snow. Winter.

We had a snowstorm overnight and everything is white. Looks like we'll be having a white Christmas after all this year.

The holidays have always made me feel little blue. Alone is not how I ever thought I'd be, especially over Christmas.

It's a rough learning process for me, coming back to Colorado this year. I feel like I've grown up so much in the past 6 months. From literally crawling my way out of a painful relationship to get back on my feet to living with new people. Making new friends and trying to find a new kind of family in a place so far and foreign.

But I've never been known to be a quitter. Not anymore at least. It's hard especially right now but I believe it's all about learning to adapt.

My first mistake was actually getting dependent on Brian as a person despite knowing that you should never depend on anyone but yourself. Look at where Brian is now?

I don't know and I honestly don't want to know.

There's been times where I wished he was still here, in my life but it's never been that way with the both of us. I miss him every day but what I really miss is our friendship.

I've realized that if he doesn't even value that then I see no point in working for it either. I'm learning that people fall out of love as easily as they fall in.

Today however, in the silence of my own apartment and the stillness of the cold outside, I realize that I want nothing to do with relationships or love for a long while. But I do want to fall in love with new places and new people and friends.

Brian is now a thing of my past and I don't see why I need to carry that into my future. I'm accepting that we've always been two very different people and as much as I love the kid to death, I learned that love is never enough.

What's enough is a blanket, a glass of wine and the safe confident comfort that you know you'll always have with yourself.

Change

2011-12-14T03:25:00.001-07:00

Music: Voltage - Skrillex

I've always thought it would be the same.

I'm not going to lie but to certain extents, a handful of decisions I've made this semester revolved around Brian. I was determined, adamant, on getting him back. Half the time, I was convinced I could.

I can't count the number of nights I've fallen asleep with heavy thoughts of him. The way he makes his way into my sleep, the only time I can shut myself up from reality only to face something darker than it.

And there he was finally. Two days shy of the end of the semester and by some divine intervention, he was right there. Right next to me.

It was like being transported back in time. We took shots of tequila, watched funny YouTube videos, made up ridiculous conversations and fell asleep together, with each other. It legitimately felt like nothing's changed. Like how everything used to be. It felt like safe familiarity. Like things always have been.

Except for it's not.

It's not the same. Everything's the same and not at the same time. He had his white hat but also a new pair of pants I had never seen him in. He had an iPhone now, not his Droid. He had on some pink Polo shirt and not the casual hoodie that I loved seeing him in.

We were there but we weren't the same. There were apprehensions, unanswered questions looming all around us, and like red flags they wave in our faces but we chose to ignore it. It wasn't easy or comfortable or natural for that matter. It was an attempt at all of the above but I knew that it would just be a failure the minute I agreed to the plan. Playing pretend seemed easier at the time.

And somehow, somewhere, something inside me died the day he turned his back on me. I've been trying to figure out what it was that I lost. Was it a piece of me that he'd taken with him? Or was it just the love that was never reciprocated in the first place?

I woke up to the sounds of his breathing. The shape of his back that I'd memorized to a point where I know exactly where his waist forms and dips. I know the exact spot where he injured his spine playing sports in high school.

I took a couple of minutes for myself and stared at the ceiling and blinked my eyes to make sure I wasn't dreaming. It's funny how something that was once so real and concrete to me, I now have to reassure myself that it's actually there. The space he needed from me made him a complete stranger.

He shifted positions and I half expected him to wrap his arms around me, out of habit. Instead he crossed them across his chest and that sinking disappointing feeling hit me. That's when I knew we were done playing pretend. Truth is, it wasn't the same because he doesn't look at me like he used to. He doesn't press light kisses against my head anymore. He didn't have his arms wide open for me to fit snugly into when I crawled into bed.

He doesn't love me anymore and I am oddly okay with that.

I was so busy trying to sort myself and my feelings out the past couple of months that I refused to even consider the fact that maybe I don't love him anymore either. I didn't want to believe that love, a bond that's shared so strongly between two people, can merely dissipate.

But it can. For some people, they wake up one morning and realize he or she wasn't in their dreams last night. For others, they see the person across the room from them and it raises no conflicting emotions.

For me, I fell asleep believing I was still in love but woke up realizing I was not.

Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

2011-12-12T04:29:00.001-07:00

Music: Sparks Fly - Taylor Swift

The clock turned 11:11 this morning and I wished for you.

I can say this right now because my wish came true. There you were, after a grueling day of work and study stress but there you were.

It was like nothing changed. You had the same backpack, the same hat, the Red Stripe shirt I bought you from over the summer and your smile. I tried to ignore you, I really did. I drowned myself in music that was mine, busied myself over puzzling economics theories but like a big red button, you were screaming for me to just push you.

We walked around the dead campus, only heat coming from the burning stick between our fingers. You made small talk to try and bridge the blatant gap that's standing right between us but it was futile. I was curt and brief, I had all my walls up. I fought the urge to stand too close to you, concealed my elation at the fact that you were right there. I was happy because today, I didn't have to love you from a far. I didn't have to wonder where you were tonight. You were right there, in front of me.

It must be so easy for you to get what you want. That's what you're used to. You've always gotten what you wanted, when you wanted it.

We went back inside and I read your paper for you, like I used to. Ever since the first semester we met. Your Spanish essays, your anthropology research papers. You coerced me into giving you a back rub and I succumbed. You have me wrapped around finger. You've always had.

You told me I was a saint.

Wrong. I'm only a girl still in love with the wrong person.

Details

2011-12-09T19:07:00.001-07:00

Music: Nothing Lasts Forever - Maroon 5

It's been sufficiently over a week since I'd last spoken to him.

That's a benchmark for me. For now, at least.

I've been busying myself with the boring tasks of school and trying to find delight in friends and company but I find myself most comfortable being with...myself.

I went shopping today and decided that I'd bake cupcakes for my roommates. And also to relieve some stress from the upcoming finals. Mostly as a form of procrastination however.

I stepped into the expensive baking store in the mall and caught sight of a sock monkey wine bottle cover. Instantly, my thought trailed to his mom.

I remember faces easily. And details. I always remember details and that's why I always find myself writing with a lot of details because it's what I remember most.

His mom had a knack for sock monkeys. I remembered seeing it all over his house up in the mountains. She also liked candles. And inspirational quotes. And grapevines, I suppose. I only had the chance of spending a week up there but the details are still so clear.

I bought the wine bottle cover after walking around the store over and over again. I still haven't figured out how I'm going to give it to his mom but I could make something work, right? Or should I just march myself back to the store and return it.

She is a wonderful person. In the short time that I've gotten to know his family, she quickly became one of my favorite people. She was open and caring yet disciplined. And she was so gracious with her hospitality that I wasn't even remotely hesitant to ask anything of her.

But like Brian, everything else that's attached or linked to him should be in the past, right? That's what I've been working so hard towards. Erasing him from my life, down to the very details that magnified our relationship for me.

It is the minute moments that stand out to me and not the huge arguments we used to have. It is the way he answered the phone, the way he fixed his tie.

And if they are only little things that I remember most, why are they hardest to let go of?

Five

2011-12-05T00:18:00.001-07:00

Music: Breathe Me - Sia

After an entire semester's worth of fighting with the world and with myself, I've reached the end.

They say, there are five stages of grief.

Denial
In the first few conversations Brian and I had after breaking up, he'd told me that maybe this wasn't permanent. Maybe this was just a temporary measure to gauge our personalities and our lives, and the very important element of space that was so critical in his life.

And so I've accepted that. Accepted the impermanence of the entire situation. That there was no way, after everything we'd been through, after the year's worth of walking away only to be chased back. After the tears from not only me but him too. After the fights and compromises. After the long-distances and separation. After all of it, there's no way this break up could be real. Not yet, at least.

Anger
Brian went to Lake Powell in October. It was his first huge event as Social chair for his fraternity and it was all he could talk to me about over the summer. He told me that we'd have a great semester together and I'd picture it just as he had said it. He said that I'd get to know all his friends and that he'd have a drawer in his room specifically for my things. He was willing and was going to share that much of his life with me.

I returned from Philadelphia late on a Monday afternoon. I found myself wandering through Denver's international airport when I noticed a missed call from him. I thought that this was it. He hadn't heard from me all weekend and he's finally missing me! My heart leapt when he answered the phone. I bet he wanted to meet up. For coffee at least.

The conversation was nowhere close to what I had anticipated. In the next few weeks, I had to hear about him and his new found "friend". A new girl who had just recently pledged my sorority. A girl he had met on his trip to Lake Powell.

I can't remember the number of hate texts I had sent him after all of that. The blurry nights that ended with pages worth of texts, telling him how much I hated him. I was angry at him and at myself. I was angry that I had allowed myself to sink to this level once again.

Bargaining
I remember it being a Thursday night and the party started and ended early. It was me, my roommates Linc and Shiv, and one other friend of theirs. We had been hanging out, playing drinking games and by the time it was 11:30 p.m., we were dry. I'd been losing all night so I suppose I'd been drinking most of it.

I had crawled slowly into bed and punched in Brian's familiar numbers. I didn't want anything out of him except for a warm familiar body to sleep and wake up to. Miraculously, he answered. He'd been out drinking too and I'd told him exactly what I'd wanted. Shallow simplicity, driven by the moment.

He didn't make it over and I'd woken up thankful.

That was only one of the million of times I'd bargained with him and with myself. Setting up terms because I thought I didn't deserve better. I knew I would hate myself for it after because that wasn't what I wanted but I did it anyways.

I would've given up a lot more of myself for just a little bit of him.

Depression
It was a night just like this one. I had chosen some solemn indie artist to listen to and I had dimmed the lights in my room so I could gather my thoughts from the day together and piece my post.

Unfortunately however, I had decided to flip through my planner from the year as well as my archives and realized that my life so far has been littered with traces of him. I pulled up photographs from our times together. Dates that I had circled because they were important to me. Meetings I had canceled because I wanted to be in his apartment at that time to watch South Park or the Colbert Report.

Then there was this one picture of him. It wasn't even a real picture, but a snapshot of our first Skype session after he had bought his first webcam that was for me. He had worn a recognizable baseball shirt, his white hat and a small smile. His eyes were bold and bright and I was looking right into them. I'd captured the moment and him as the person I'd loved.

I stumbled upon the picture and was caught off guard. I pressed my hands against my mouth to keep from making a sound while the tears poured uncontrollably. My throat tightened and my heart sank so deep inside of me I was sure I had lost it for good this time.

I looked away from my computer, unable to look at him staring out of my screen. There were a dozen thoughts that raced through my head but I was only able to say one thing: Brian.

I crossed both my arms across my chest and hugged myself as the pain washed all over me again. I had been playing strong for a long time but that night, in the solitary confinement of my four walls, I was stripped bare of the shells and I cried.

I cried til I couldn't breathe. Until I was finally exhausted and not even remembering falling asleep.

Acceptance
Two days ago, I did my normal habit of logging on to Facebook and visiting his page because I still wanted to feel like I was a part of his life. Like I'm still of some importance to him. Like I wasn't just wiped out, easily dispensable and utterly meaningless.

I've known about her for a while now. I know that Brian had taken her to formal and that that usually means that they weren't "just friends". I've not been as bothered about this girl as I was the last. She isn't even that pretty, to be honest.

I clicked around more and came across pictures from her formal. She had taken him as her date. So it was a little more than that, seeing as he did have to travel some amount to be with her. In the pictures, he had his hands tight around her waist and his face buried in her neck. They were dancing. He was smiling. They were having fun.

I felt the same heart wrenching feeling but this time, I didn't cry or lose control or scream. I stared at it, processed it and proceeded to delete him and blocked her from my Facebook. I've decided that what I don't know, won't kill me.

I've accepted that Brian did not mean permanence, as much as I'd hoped for. I've accepted that this ending, despite all the other endings we've had, is real. That he isn't going to return. That this love was short-lived and that I'm no longer his muse.

I've accepted that Brian is nothing but a living memory.

They say there are five stages of grief and they all look different on everybody.

Peace

2011-11-30T22:28:00.001-07:00

Music: For Emma - Bon Iver

Playing with Instagram

It's not even 11 p.m. here and my eyes are already heavy with sleep.

I had a good day. It was one of those days where I accomplished a lot, you know? I had slaved away last night writing two papers and mistakenly drinking a double shot of espresso that ended with me frustratingly tossing and turning in my bed til 4 in the morning.

Today's been good. The weather was beautiful. I'd eaten healthy. Washed my hair. Smoked a cigarette, probably two. Made some tea and put on some fuzzy socks. I'd say it's a win.

I've been feeling relatively calm despite missing him more than ever lately. I made it a point last night however to go through both my Facebook and his to delete everything we've ever posted or liked on each other's profile.

I don't know why that was important to me because simply deleting and blocking him would put an end to everything. But for some reason, I want to keep him around, not close but accessible. I guess somewhere inside of me there's this notion that maybe a year or five years from now, he'll be able to see me there and drop a note.

Tonight though, I am content. Though some days I feel as alone as ever, I think I'm getting used to it, just as how I had gotten used to having him with me.

It's funny this process of falling out of love. It's the first time I'm actually putting effort into forgetting someone. Like a bad habit you suppress and grow out of, falling out of love feels the same.

I've always known how to fall in love. There's the gushing and thinking and smiles that take you by surprise. Then there's the butterflies and the first impressions. There's the way he knocks the wind out of you and the way your eyes meet.

Brian felt so real to me. I don't doubt that I've loved Aaron as well but it was different. There are so many things about Brian that still remains so alive in my head. The curve of his back and his grin. The way he cracked his knuckles and the way he slept.

Falling out of love is taking all this details and making them unimportant. Falling out of love is sitting across from him and telling yourself that he's not the man you fell in love with. Not anymore at least. It's letting go of every comfort and safety you've felt with him and giving it to someone else. Being okay with someone else having it.

With everyday that I live through and feel better about things, I know that he is already 10 steps ahead of me. I'd lived for the longest time thinking that we'd find our way back to each other but it's really hitting me now that it's not the case.

It's not the same winter that I had a year ago and it won't be the same spring. He loved me as much as the warmth of the summer and his love died along with the leaves on the trees in the fall.

That's what relationships bring. They gather constant change and the ones that stand the test of time are the ones that last.

Mine didn't.

I still feel sad for the way things turned out but right now, I'm at peace. I'm happy going to school, going to work, laughing with friends whenever I can but most importantly, I'm genuinely wishing him well.

What In The World

2011-11-30T01:50:00.001-07:00

Music: Stereo Hearts - Gym Class Hereos

"Self-portrait"

After a brutal night of papers.

This is going to be an intentional vent.

I am beyond confused or frustrated now. To be honest, I'm kinda annoyed. And angry.

I really don't know what I did or said to have caused this sudden sort of awkwardness between us but it's there. Oh yes, it's there and it's more annoying than anything else.

To be honest, it's not the first time I've felt this way. We've had this on and off "weirdness" as I would call it (because I really don't know what else to call it!) the entire semester and it's seriously getting to me.

I don't know if it's just sexual tension or me just reading too much into it but I really can't ignore it when it's staring at me right in the face.

Is this just your style cos it's really just weird as fuck. I'm not even trying to exaggerate right now but I've never been placed in this kind of situation at all. Sure it was fun in the beginning but then it started to get really old and I kinda just want to yell at you in the face because seriously, I'm starting to believe that you are as dense as a rock.

I've taken several different options into consideration and I've tried looking at things from your perspective and yeah, I can kind of understand why you decide to take the route you're at right now but that just leaves other aspects of "us" unanswered.

For fuck's sake, just get to the point and ask me out already. Or if that's not on your agenda, then straight up let me know. Don't talk to me that way, about showers and dark rooms and then just disappear like you've fallen off the face of the earth.

I'm kinda trying out this new thing of not giving too many fucks and so if you're not going to get on it, I'm throwing up them deuces up fast and walking away cos the last time I chose to hang around, some douche bag decided it would be fun to let me dangle a little longer.

We all know how that ended up.

So either man up and ask for some or quit playing games, cos this time, I'm only playing for keeps.

---

I talked about you today and I tried to add as much nonchalance into the topic as possible.

She was one of your good friends from high school, who probably knew a lot more than I do and she asked me how I was doing and what really happened between us.

To be honest, I really don't know what really happened. I guess you got bored and like everything else in the world, we met our expiration date.

It was still hard to talk about you. And see you come online and know that I won't be receiving the little Facebook chime or notifications from you. I guess it's hard to acknowledge that we're now strangers after just being so close a mere 4 months ago.

She asked me if I still missed you.

I told her; everyday.

If You Choose To Love Me

2011-11-28T21:59:00.001-07:00

Music: Blindsided - Bon Iver

Weekend excursions.

Walking back from a heavy Monday, I had my headphones plugged in to Nicki Minaj's hypnotic vocals and the cool breeze of the night.

I had my intentions set on writing yet another semi-sad post when I got back. I was upset and frustrated that my plans to write my paper in the library fell through and I was forced to go home. I'd decided that I would still be productive and so I cleaned my dining table that was still covered in spilled liquor and lime wedges to create space for myself.

I hadn't said much to any of my roommates. I didn't know what I was really feeling. I wanted to be alone but with people at the same time.

I'm getting very used to ignoring people and being alone. I'm getting used to not needing anyone in my life and I suppose that's one level of independence I've learned this year. I've been blessed to have had accommodating roommates last year who have now turned into such great friends but this year, I'm realizing what it's like to really build a life for my own self.

I think I'm finally feeling what it's like to live for yourself. I eat whenever I want and then I don't eat whenever I don't want to. I get dressed up for no one in particular and I shop whenever I want to. I browse the stores alone and talk to people at the bus stop. I lose myself in my music and smile at boys that pass me by. I sit in my room and light my candles and I write. Here. For you, whoever you are.

I haven't felt this kind of liberation in a while. Remember when I said I had lost myself being with Brian. Well, being without him now, I'm slowly piecing myself back together. I'm writing a lot more and not just writing sappy crap, but actual details about myself.

I sit cross legged at dinner tables and on my bed. I smoke cigarettes in the cold until I cannot feel my fingers. I listen to more acoustic music than anything else in the world. I am an adrenaline junkie. I am afraid of nothing but myself. I am not blonde or the blue eyed beauty you are looking for. I am not a size 0 with legs that go on forever. I read too much into things and think about the future a lot. I am always 2 steps ahead of myself and I take on more than I can handle.

I cry too much and drink too much. I have no reservations in getting up on stage and dancing for you. I will sing out loud in the car even if it's my first time meeting you. One of my favorite feeling's in the entire world is having arms wrapped around me whether I'm asleep or awake. I will jump off cliffs and airplanes in a heart beat. I will also sit in a dark room and watch movies about drug addicts and war victims with you.

I love with too much passion. Yet, I cheat. I love the attention, just like everybody else. I lie too often but I never steal anything except for ideas. I never tire from runs or walks. My body keeps going as long as my mind tells it too. The marks on my skin all tell a different story and I've never once told anybody what they really mean.

I hate gifts that come in ribbons. Flowers that come in bouquets. Carve on a pebble for me or tie me wild flowers from your backyard. Send me a handwritten note. I am impatient and I am not witty. I like being sarcastically funny. I talk to myself and sometimes, I stutter.

If you choose to love me, you will have to love all my complexities as well as simplicities. I'm not prepared to lose myself to anyone else again. Gathering them back, figuring it out and living with it has been one of the hardest things I've had to do this year.

I am going to be honest with you that I come with baggage. I come with scars and wounds from all the previous battles I've had to fight in my past. Some of them show but the ones that don't hurt the most. I've gotten awfully good at hiding them, like everyone else has. But just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it's not there.

But if you peel away the layers and the walls, maybe you'll find a simple girl and a simple heart that wants to love you back too.

Is It Too Late?

2011-11-27T23:31:00.001-07:00

Music: Back To December - Taylor Swift

I had always thought that returning back to school this year would be so much easier than my first year. When I boarded the plane a year ago in August, I had dangled from the phone until the very last minute, holding to Aaron and holding on to familiarity. I wasn't excited at all to be in Colorado.

Coming back this year was a different experience. I could barely wait to sit through the arduous 20 hour plane ride and count down the days until I was back again with Brian since we had spent the summer apart.

For some reason, I had envisioned this semester to be stable. I assumed that I would have Brian for Thanksgiving. Maybe I would have had the chance to spend it with his family again since I have none here. Maybe we'd have another road trip together again since we had such a good time from the last time.

I just thought that this term would be more concrete.

But sometimes things don't turn out the way you want them to. I lost my boyfriend within the first two weeks of school and spent the next two months trying to figure out how to fill that sudden gaping hole in my life. While most kids were excited to be reunited with friends, I was struggling to find company and friends who would sit with me and watch me cry my eyes out.

I'd decided to take the painful choice of sifting through my old posts from the summer and type this in his shirt. I want so badly to say that none of these things matter in my life anymore. Like he was as easily dispensable as I was but I can't.

I've done it all. I've burned pictures, I've cut up pictures. I've put things in boxes. I've sent hate texts. Drunk texts. Sorry texts. Voice mails. Spent half of my paychecks on drinks I couldn't hold in. Lost my voice from smoking cigarettes. Went on a dozen runs in efforts of clearing my head. Went on worthless dates. Went home with dates just because I didn't want to wake up alone.

There's about 2 weeks left in the semester and I feel like I'm still stuck on the night Brian left me. Sometimes, he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up. I bring him up in conversations when nobody wants to hear about it.

And then there's C that I've gotten to know a lot better in the past few days. I'm afraid and confused at the same time and I just wish someone would give me an answer.

I'm afraid that I've built my walls a little more higher this time. I've done things in the recent months that I never ever thought I'd do. Heinous cold actions that I'm scared of.

What if this break up has just made me colder? If C had been there first before Brian and if I didn't have to hurt so much, would I be this hesitant? I don't think so.

Everyone's been nudging me to move on and move past Brian and I am. I don't cry because I want him back now. I just cry because I'm still in love with us and with whatever we had in the past. What if I'll forever be in love with that. What if I can't ever love another person the way I had loved Brian?

C is alluring and exciting and unpredictable. We make each other laugh and he's there with me on late nights when I cannot shake the memory of Brian out of my head. But if I can't even give this the tiny chance it deserves, how am I supposed to give anyone else a chance?

I'm not asking for a relationship, not at all. I just want the assurance in myself that I can open up again and I can trust again.

I just want to know that I can fall in love again.

Kind Of

2011-11-27T12:06:00.001-07:00

Music: You Found Me - The Fray

Bad decisions happen to me almost on a weekly basis. Usually around midnight of weekends, sometimes later than that.

I've been doing so much better in the past month and I almost feel like the things that used to matter so much in my life, don't anymore. I still have his shirts and his notes and I couldn't look at them for the longest time but now I'm wearing them whenever I forget to do laundry and run out of clean clothes to sleep in.

I was struggling to find myself when I came here. I thought a new life and a new place would give me perspective and maturity. It's funny though because looking back on it now, I feel like I've lost myself more than anything else.

I want to say that my relationship with Brian, whatever it was, destroyed me but it really didn't. It did however, reduce me to pieces but picking them up this time isn't as hard as they were in the past.

I've been thinking about Aaron and my "relationship" with him in the past and I'm surprised that I'm not angry or bitter or even laced with any form of regret.

And so today, I want to introduce C.

I have no idea what to make of C or if I even should make anything of him but I can't lie and say that I don't particularly enjoy our conversations. Granted, we've never spent time alone together other than working on a group project together but we've had some late nights over social media. Kinda.

I'm just trying so hard to not make this a rebound or a poor excuse for company. I really think it's not.

I don't know what this is yet and for once, maybe it's a good thing. Maybe it's a good thing that I don't label everything in my life. I mean, I know how to draw lines and set up boundaries now. That's progress, right?

I started out this post with full intentions of making it sound coherent, structured and convincing but now, I'm kinda in pieces.

Kind of confused but kind of happy and kind of liking it.

Remembering

2011-11-23T00:35:00.001-07:00

Music: Super Bass - Nicki Minaj

A random afternoon

There were many things I didn't understand and actually hated about you.

I didn't like how you'd leave the television turned on before going to bed and then actually falling asleep to a running tv show. I remember waking up at like 5 in the morning because of it and feeling so annoyed for having to crawl out of bed to turn it off.

I think you have a really ugly backpack and you look a hundred million times better when you're actually wearing real clothes. Like flannel or a t-shirt.

I don't know why my thought process led me here today. Now that we're on break, it just means that I have a lot more time to myself, which translates to me having more time to think of things.

The same time one year ago, I was getting ready to experience my first Thanksgiving with a family friend in Indiana. I remember getting you clay Greek alphabets for your fraternity and painting them blue because they were your colors.

I thought me joining the Greek system would bring us closer together, you know? We'd have one more thing we could do together. Reflecting on it now, I realize it's actually been one of the reasons that tore us apart.

It's kinda scary that a lot of things still remain very vivid to me.

I'll always remember that afternoon in your apartment in late spring when I was both disappointed and devastated by what I had found out.

I remember trying to give you one last hug before walking out down. I stepped in and wrapped my arms around you and lingered a little longer knowing that I'd never had the chance to hug you again once I stepped out of it.

Right before I wanted to leave, you broke down, bit your fists in attempts to stop the tears and said to me, "This is so hard because I know you'll never come back."

I guess in many ways you were right. I've been trying to muster up the strength the entire semester to walk away from the wreck we've turned into. Love can only save so much.

I met a boy and he's nice. He's not you and it's definitely not the same but we're talking and trying to figure things out. Maybe we'll get someplace in the future, maybe we won't but for now, he makes me laugh and I guess that's enough.

Reality Check

2011-11-20T20:06:00.001-07:00

Music: Save The World Tonight - Swedish House Mafia remix

Forcing laughter, faking smiles.

I really want to keep it together, especially now. ESPECIALLY now.

But, you are making it extremely hard for me.

What did I say about staying away, hm? What did I say about us doing our own thing and you just keeping your distance for a while.

I mean it when I said I can't function with you by me. I can't study much less tutor you, but most of all, I can't pretend.

I can't pretend that I didn't have fun spending that afternoon with you. I can't pretend that I didn't like sitting outside, when the weather was so nice and it was just you and me on that bench. I can't pretend that my laughs weren't genuine. And I can't pretend that I was still incredibly attracted to you.

Can you?

Can you tell me that you had a horrible time with me that afternoon? Can you tell me you faked all your laughter? And can you tell me you didn't look at me that way without meaning anything else?

You can't.

The truth is, we're both holding back all we have. You're holding back because you're still holding resentments against me. You're still angry at me for the summer. You're angry, not because I had wronged you in the relationship, but because you were in a relationship with me.

You never wanted it. Almost like an unwanted child. You got into it because you were consumed with guilt. And that, you're angry at me for that too.

You're angry at me because I loved you a little too much. Because I gave in, a little too much. Because I was patient more often than not.

But you cannot deny the chemistry we've always had. You cannot fake the times I've made you laugh too. And as much as you want to run away from it, you can't. When we're sitting side by side and talking about graphs and numbers, you cannot ignore the cold hard fact that once, you and I were not just reduced to a mediocre pair.

Once, we were two so different people brought together by something. You know, I could name a million different things about why we're not compatible and not good for each other. But when it's just you and me in the room, those things don't matter, do they?

I want you to tell me that afternoon didn't matter. Tell me the summer didn't matter. Tell me spring break was stupid and that you were just using me for my money. Tell me the nights I laid on your chest and watched South Park with you were the biggest annoyance to you.

Cos you know what. I am so sick and so tired of your indecision. I am so sick of playing these fucked up games with you. I am done with things being on your terms. You only talk to me at you're convenience and I am at your disposable.

The truth is we can't "just be friends". We both know that, so I say, stop pretending. Stop playing games. Stop flirting. And stop trying.

That's a memo to me too.

Truths

2011-11-19T10:53:00.001-07:00

Music: Who's That Girl - Hilary Duff

It was beautiful when you stood before me with your hands tugged in your pockets, leaving enough space in between the both of us to make me want you even more.

I really want to believe that somewhere inside of you, there's me and that you're only stifling it because we were never meant to be.

I don't know which is worse. To live without you. Or with you.

I try to make sense of everything and maybe I already have the answers but I choose to ignore it.

Maybe I am as pathetic as I sound.

What have I been up to?

Missing you. Every day since you walked away.

Sometimes

2011-11-17T00:22:00.001-07:00

Music: -

I don't know what I am still caught up in.

I don't know if my persistence in this relationship that has long ended will do me any good in the end. Or is it just some foolish wishful thinking that I have wrapped up in my head.

Sometimes, I put on that extra bit of make up when I know I am going to "bump" into him during a study session. Sometimes, I skip a lot of meals before a night out when I know I'm going to be at the same party as he is.

Sometimes, I wish he would see me and have the smallest regret that he missed out by letting me go.

But I know he doesn't need me and I'm not sure if anyone really ever has.

Sometimes I say certain things or ask him certain questions that will remind him of us and I wonder if that had ever meant anything to him. Or was I just a phase.

Sometimes I wonder what was he thinking when he asked me to be his girlfriend over Skype. Did he know what he was getting himself into when the last thing he wanted was commitment and love?

Sometimes I don't know if he realizes the way I feel inside whenever I'm around him. How I don't want to move too close, how I can't look at him in the eyes when I talk to him, how I fake smiles and how much I just want to reach over to grasp his hands.

There's this invisible wall between us and I'm forcing myself to stay within the boundaries because things have changed. I think people grow up and change and so much already has within 4 months of the semester.

Sometimes I wish I was better so he didn't have to hide me from his friends who expected more. Sometimes I wish his friends didn't matter so he didn't have to be placed in difficult predicaments.

They say, "denial" isn't only a river in Egypt and I feel like I've been living in it for the past year. I know that he doesn't love me anymore. That the camping trips, the movie nights, the morning intimacies are all but a thing in the past.

Sometimes I wish you could choose the people you love.

Dreams

2011-11-15T17:57:00.001-07:00

Music: -

I woke this morning to the bright sunlight glaring through my half-opened blinds.

My head spun a little and neck ached from the awkward way I had fallen asleep. Covered with lazy thoughts of my dreams, I thought of the people that I had seen in my subconscious. The part of my mind that never seems to want to rest.

There was him. I've always had dreams of him since we broke up. My dreams are like his playground. While I suppress thoughts of him during the day and occupy myself with friends and school work, he resurfaces when it is dark and quiet and I am alone. It's hard to remember him after I've awaken but I feel him linger as I rub my eyes open.

He's not quite as alive as he is in my head.

The semester is quickly coming to a close and I find myself so much more alone as the holidays come closer. Finding your place and a new family is tough in this place where dreams are bigger. I just need to dream bigger.

I don't think I'm that upset anymore. I've had good laughs and good people in my life this term and I think it will be okay.

I think I will wrap up my past and visit them every now and then, whenever I miss him. It's a little sad that I don't remember the details as much anymore. Seeing him always surprises him. Just noticing subtle things about him that I never knew was there before.

I have a feeling a little part of me will always miss him. I know how people tell you to let all of it go and move on with your life but I am moving on.

On another note, my body hates the life out of me because I decided to push it so hard in the gym yesterday. As a result, every single muscle in me aches so bad and I am topped with a cold.

Miserable. So miserable. I need break to be here now.

---

Sometimes I post on this meaningless space with the deepest hopes that you might come across it again and read about how much you still mean to me.

I don't admit that we were the perfect couple, with years worth of memories and a love that of Jack and Rose from the Titanic.

For the most of it, we were dysfunctional. We were hurtful and we were reckless. I was careless with my feelings and you were just the same with them. There was a problem in everything that we'd done. Even when we were together, you were unhappy. When we weren't, I was not.

The equation was unbalanced and there was no possible way in us finding that balance.

But you were the one person that has ever made me feel both certain and uncertain at the same time. You take a step towards me and it makes me want to run yet stay at the same time.

You said, "It was never about not having enough love."

Maybe there was just too much?

I wonder if we'll have the chance to make things right again. I keep praying that maybe, just maybe, 10 years from now, we'd cross paths at a wedding reception of a mutual friend. We'll introduce each other to our plus ones and you'll secretly think about how beautiful I look in my dress and I'll think about how handsome you've always looked when you decide to dress up.

We'll share champagnes and maybe a couple of dances together. You'll talk about how law school has been and I'll share of my travels to Africa and Turkey with you.

And when the night slows down and wraps up, you'd say goodbye by pressing a small kiss on the side of my face and ask me out to coffee one week later. I would find myself swept away again by your charm and humor and we'd talk about books and politics. About cultures, food and people.

I would ask about your family, your mom and sisters and brothers. We'd spend the entire the afternoon together, without the pressures of time or responsibilities.

Maybe in another time, maybe in another life, we could make it right. We could make it beautiful and lasting.

Maybe we'd fall in love again.

Off Guard

2011-11-12T10:50:00.001-07:00

Music: Kiss Me Slowly - Parachute

I stumbled out of the restaurant with my new found friends after a big dinner of hamburgers and french fries, laughing at the joke we had just made and how much of a good time we had inside.

And then I caught him out of the corner of my eye, walking towards us. He was in jeans, a nice blue button up and that winning smile across his face. A, as I would like to call him.

We stumbled into an awkward hug and I caught a whiff of his cologne. We made small talk and I introduced him to my Littles and as we joked around, I found myself with the most ridiculous smile, plastered across my face.

I have it again right now as I'm typing this.

He briefly said goodbye as he was headed out for the typical Friday night excursions and we went in opposite directions.

I clutched the arms of the two girls I was in, giggled and thought what the hell was that?!

Finally

2011-11-10T14:28:00.001-07:00

Music: Nothing - The Script

Remember November 10, 2011.

Like every other important date in my life. June 18, 1990. My birthday. May 13, 2011. The first time I found myself in a relationship with a person I loved. August 30, 2011. The date he realized I wasn't worth any more of his time or effort or love.

November 10, 2011.

The date I walked away from that same love because it's killing me inside. In the months that passed after he was done with me, I kept retracing the steps leading up to that day.

It's funny because it started with me just wanting him to fix my dresser for me. I just needed a little man in my life to put the funny bolts together. For some reason, that led to him saying the words that would put me in a rut, on a cold bench, on a windy night.

Honestly, I can hardly remember my semester. In between blacked out nights and waking up to strangers and being late for classes and looking for jobs, the thing that felt the clearest to me was still him and how stuck I was in the past. The past that seemed so much more happier and composed and together than my present life.

In many ways, you kept me together and sane. And in many others as well, you drove me crazy and out of control. You damaged me and made me hurt myself with every day that I had to spend with you.

But today, I sit across from you while you ignorantly talk about yourself and your friends. Can't you tell that I was breaking inside? Couldn't you tell by the way I looked away from your eyes because I would have just crumbled in public?

No. Because the world revolves around you. And like you said, you always get what you want. True. I've always given you what you wanted but I'm finished.

I thought by doing that you'd realize how much I loved you. I gave you so much of my life, of my person because I love you. It was a gift, not a right.

I don't know I had the absurd thought that if I gave all I could and had, you would love me too?

November 10, 2011.

I realize that if our roles were switched that Halloween night, if I was the one passed out drunk outside of the stadium with you, you wouldn't have stayed. You wouldn't have held me and made sure I was safe. You would've left.

I am in tears writing this post because I had so much more respect and admiration for you. I'm crying because you were not the man I thought you were.

I'm sad and crying and so broken hearted because I realize, I don't know you at all.

If Somebody's Got Soul

2011-11-08T11:04:00.003-07:00

Music: Collect Call - Metric

It was disgusting some of the things I had to hear about you and your weekend.

I didn't want to believe it and at points, I didn't even want to listen to it but they were shoved in my face. Like a bitter pill of truth I had to swallow.

Is this the person you are now? Is this your type of fun?

Or have I just been blinded by it all in the past because I chose to love the sound and mature side of you.

I don't know if I can look at you the same way I have been all this while. Just imagining the scenes about you and her and the weekend makes me feel so sick.

I want to say you're different and special for me but you're no different than the rest of them. Like an animal you act, like an animal you rip my heart to shreds.

If you had any respect for what we had and the love that was a good thing in your life, then leave me with that. I'm in love with our memories, so don't taint all of it for me.

And I hope you find some goodness in your life now.

---

I had found myself once again, with greasy hair and leftover make up, silently crying in my room.

I wasn't sure what I was crying over. I thought of my summer this year and how despite being the furthest away from him, I felt the closest to him.

I don't know how, when, where or what went wrong? Somewhere in between the holding of hands and sharing frozen yogurt, something fell apart but I can't place my finger on what it was.

Was I expecting too much too soon?

It's haunting to live in a place where so many things remind me of him. I look out my balcony and stare at the mountains towards the west and think of him. I stand at the bus stop and I can see the window to his old apartment.

It's driving me crazy but I have to crawl out of this pit. A pit that seems like it's eating me alive from day to day.

I will not lose anymore. I refuse to. I'm gonna survive this and beat this even if it means doing it all alone by myself.

100%

2011-11-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

Music: -

That moment when you realize you're in this alone now.

Sitting by him, knowing that he's been with so many other girls already. Noticing the mark on the side of his neck.

Coming home alone. Shielding the tears. Smiling at his comments. Pretending.

It's so ironic how this was so different only a mere 6 months ago perhaps.

Letting go of this love; slowly, painfully but surely.

Winter Wonders

2011-11-04T14:07:00.002-06:00

Music: Fearless - Taylor Swift

Oh nights with beauties that go on forever

It's been one of those weeks, you know?

A struggle in the beginning and a comfortable winding down towards the end. Today, the sun has finally decided to show itself, leaving all the snow melting away.

I want to say that it's another day that I won't life get me down because life isn't suppose to do that to you. The thought of him is still haunting and sometimes I wish it would just go away but it's not that easy, is it?

I had no idea why he chose to come up and sat next to me in lecture yesterday but if there was some machine monitoring my heart rate, I'm pretty sure I would have broken it. I was trying to focus on our bizarre economics professor and the decline of the American economy but all I found myself fixating upon was his fingers out of the corner of my eye.

I took deep breaths of air to calm myself down. Anxiously shifted in my seat and every time my arm brushed against his, my skin felt like it was on fire.

It was killing me.

I would be lying if I said I didn't die a little inside after we had our conversation. It's never easy going through a breakup of any kind and I'm guessing he's struggling too, perhaps? I damn well know I am.

I left the lecture hall on the brink of tears. I half expected him to run after me and apologize but obviously that never happened. By the time I sat down in my next class, I had already swallowed the fragile tears and braced myself. I promised myself this and I wasn't going to break it already.

Because in the midst of getting out of a relationship and finding my direction once again, I've found a lot more things in life that are blessings and a lot more people that I can love.

So this weekend, I'm lifting up shots and toasting to my new found loves in life.

Man Up

2011-11-03T00:39:00.001-06:00

Music: Help I'm Alive - Metric

You wanna know why you can't talk to me? Wanna know why you can't answer my calls? Wanna know why you can't text me back?

It's because you still fucking feel it in you.

It's because you can't ignore that blatant slap in the face when we're sitting across from each other and you're thrown into that safe sense of familiarity. Because you know the way I laugh and you know the tone of your voice you use with me.

It's because you know me too. And you know the answers to my questions before I even ask them. Because you remember every single memory that I am holding on to. Because you know exactly what I'm talking about when I say you eat all the popcorn during a movie. You know precisely what I'm referring to when I ask you if your back hurts. And when I was hunched down, on my knees, constantly talking to you about the things we shared just to make sure you'd still breath and wouldn't pass out cold on me, you responded to all of it. You knew exactly what I was talking about.

They were as real to you as they were to me.

And if they are not, then I dare you to say it to my face. Stare me down with your eyes and say it. If you had the courage and conviction that the truth today is contrary to what I have just written, then say it to me, so coldly that it will rip my insides to shreds.

Tell me I'm delusional and insane for even trying to imagine things being like this. Instead of cowering in your bulletproof house, come up to me and serve it to me harshly. Say exactly what you feel without having the unnecessary use of any kind of euphemism.

That's pathetic and I'd rather get the real deal than some softened up excuse.

Hand it to me as coldly and as painfully as you can, and I assure you, I will walk away without looking back. I will back off without a fight and I will be out of your life before you can even count til 3.

That's a promise I'm making to you and to me.

This Is The Sound Of My Heart Breaking

2011-11-02T00:00:00.000-06:00

Music: I Would Do Anything For You - Foster The People

Winter this year came early and my empty apartment seems a lot colder tonight.

I am in the midst of writing an overdue article but my mind is not in it the slightest bit. My room is once again messy with clothes and books and I don't know when I'll have the time to clean it up again.

In the difficult task of juggling my life with school, the sorority and my sanity, I find myself wanting to sleep more than doing anything else. I hate facing the world these days because my world has been so clouded with you. It's like a permanent haunting I cannot escape.

Some days, I am more angry at myself than with anyone else. I really did wish it wasn't in my character to be so forgiving. I wish I had more spite in me and that I held grudges like every other normal human being does.

Because if I had a little bit more of that, a little bit more dignity in me, I would have left you in the cold. I wouldn't have piled sweaters on top of you to make sure you were warm. I wouldn't have let you sleep on me til I couldn't feel my legs. I wouldn't have sat there listening to your drunk mumbles about wanting me to stay, about wanting to die, about not having a career or a future.

What I should have done was called the cops on you because you are none of business anymore, are you?

But I didn't. I stayed outside with you and assured you that you'd be fine when you kept calling out for help. I responded to your incoherent fears about being in trouble and losing your job and all the other things that scare you.

And after I had walked with you and left you in good hands, I had to find myself walking in the cold at 3 a.m. with barely anything but your light flannel and wanting nothing other than to wrap my arms around you.

I know you're good at building walls and only utilizing people when you need to but I wanted you to know that I see right through you. When I called you a coward, this was exactly what I was referring to. I don't claim to know you because maybe you don't even know yourself.

But I know you enough to have seen you in when you're on your own. I know how stubborn you are. How impatient you can get. How easy you panic sometimes. How driven you are for certain things.

I know that you have 3 different types of smiles: one for when you want something, another for when you know you've done something wrong and want to get out of trouble for it, and the last one, for when you're genuinely happy.

I mean it when I say they don't know you like I do.

But the problem here is that they mean a lot more to you than me. I'm not fighting for this love anymore because it gets exhausting loving a person who can't figure themselves out yet.

If you realize, at some point in your life, that you do love me, then just come back. I want to promise you that I'll be there but nobody can give us that guarantee in life, can they?

So now, despite how much I still love you, I'm letting you go and if God sees it fit, then we'll find a way to cross paths again.

I'm leaving; hoping that we'll be a "see you again" but knowing that we could be a "goodbye".

Limits

2011-11-01T03:46:00.000-06:00

Music: -

After a tumultuous weekend, I find myself in a miserable condition on a Monday night.

What was supposed to have been the best night of my life with my girls turned out to be quite the contrary.

Once again, I find myself wanting so much to leave but being unable to budge from my compassion. I watched him lie there, helpless, under the influence of things you can only imagine about and begging for me to stay.

I did of course. I stayed the entire time. Right up to the point when he was tucked safely in bed and me being forced to walk home at 3 a.m. by his disapproving roommate.

At this point, I don't care if I had to walk home in a snowstorm. As dumb and stupid as this sounds, I just want him to be okay.

It's stupid and way too selfless but it's love.

And when you love, you love without condition.

---

I wouldn't hate you for walking away from me, or never talking to me again. In fact, I'd actually understand. I know I'm not the greatest person out there, I do stupid shit, I fuck things up. If you don't want to be with me it's understandable.

I have drama, I go crazy sometimes, I'm not perfect, I have flaws, I don't always do the right thing, but I've never tried to be someone who I know I'm not. And if you can't take my bad and good moments, or my shattered life, it's okay.

---

We were exactly here one year ago.

If only you knew some of the things you said to me last night and how devastating it was for me to hear them in that state.

I wish I had the strength to walk away from you completely so I don't have to go through it again.

I wake up only to find myself wrapped in your shirt. The little pieces of you that I have. Like leftovers because I don't deserve to have you completely.

It's unfair. The world is so unfair.

I really dare you to say that you don't feel it. When we're sitting across from each other and you're telling me about your day, there's a tension so thick you can slice it with a knife.

Tell me I'm on my own with this and I will stop fighting.

But if not, then I wish you'd tell me so I don't have to feel so alone.

---

it's going to be another snowy and chilly week.

All I want is hot chocolate, peppermint schnapps and you.

Words

2011-10-26T23:27:00.002-06:00

Music: -

"I gave you my insides; my lungs, breath, nerves. My guts, soul, brains, blood. I gave you my words and all the time I had. I still feel you in the spaces between my bones. You're denser than any heavy metal. I'm afraid I'll feel you in my tissues."

Toxic until the end of my time.

Watching Your World From Afar

2011-10-25T23:56:00.003-06:00

Music: Without Fear of Their Return - Weaver At The Loom

It's a hot tea, dim candles and oversized shirts kind of night.

We're having our first snowfall of the season and kids are excited, not excluding yours truly. There's always something magical about snow and the way it falls like confetti from above. I always get a tiny little smile whenever they get trapped in my hair or fall on my eyelashes. It's the one pure thing that makes so many people happy. Almost like it strikes a little childish innocence in us.

Crawling into and out of bed is always hard, especially during cold days like this. Whilst typing this, my toes are still cold from having to get comfortable in my abandoned bed.

If you asked me how I felt about a month ago, I would say that a perfect night would be to have him by my side, maybe a movie playing and drinks to go round. I would be snuggled perfectly on his chest and hearing his heartbeat. Or playing with the hem of his shirt and breathing his skin. Maybe the bed wouldn't be so cold and the room wouldn't be so dim, if he was around.

But right now, it's odd, but I kinda like being alone. It's calm and peaceful and I could use some of the solidarity to recollect my thoughts and be by myself for a while.

I have nothing much to say tonight, no lessons from the day to share or any frustrations to vent about. I would say today has been a relatively blissful day. I got the chance to go to the hairdresser today and did my laundry. Went for my news meeting and finished my paper. I'm feeling pretty accomplished and I feel like I'm sorta getting half of it right.

I do wonder what he's up to and if he's keeping warm because I still love him and evidently, care for him. But it's not the same you know. It's almost better in different ways because this way, I'm not consumed by our relationship. I'm loving him from afar. Distance is a good thing and it'll help maintain both our sanities.

It's the false pretenses I have to keep up with whenever I see him that I don't like dealing with. That sharp stab that knocks the wind right out of me but still having to keep that smile when he has his hands around another girl's waist. I'm taking time adjusting and wishing him well because if you love someone, why wouldn't you want them to be happy, right?

So, on this chilly night, where the town is tucked away under their covers, in front of fireplaces or in another person's arms, I'm wishing him well. Whatever he is doing, wherever he is in the world right now, I'm hoping that he feels the same kind of tranquility that the cold silence gives.

This girl here will be alright.

Sorries & Scars

2011-10-24T23:29:00.002-06:00

Music: Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

I've been beating myself up for the past couple days after my recent but not as pleasant meet up with him.

For some obscure reason, I've been keeping track of the number of days since we broke up and we're one week shy of 2 months now.

It feels like a lot longer though.

Anyway, I decided last week that my mind could not take not hearing from him any longer and I thought maybe a casual drink will help clear the air a little bit. Plus, I missed having a 21-year-old to drink with instead of out of control minors.

It was a chilly night but that didn't deter college kids from filling the bars and spilling onto streets and alleyways.

He was unhappy at the fact that he agreed to meeting up with me. Clearly, he would have done anything to get out of the situation and I felt guilty for pestering him to seeing me.

Why would he have any desire in seeing me? Why would he want to even have anything to do with me? Why would he even stomach the thought of sitting across from me to have a drink and have casual conversations about the weather and life?

He doesn't and he's made it evident multiple times. And I don't blame him because I'm admitting it to myself now that I've more than messed up. I've fucked up and I know it. Maybe I don't deserve that much grace from him or patience or another second chance and I'm accepting it.

I could never understand how I was capable of hurting the person I love but reflecting on the past now, I did. And surprisingly to me, to a degree much deeper than I thought it would be. I regret it. I regret at how much I took our relationship for granted and how immature I was about everything.

But I can't keep going to bed with the guilt that's eating me up alive. I can't keep revisiting the past and going over our mistakes and downfalls and reliving moments that were hurtful. I lapse from reminiscing on the good times and the times where we were bitter with tears at each other.

I am so sorry. And I know these are mere words but if you could cut me open and see how much it meant, then you would realize that I would do anything in my power to change things.

But I can't be angry at myself forever and I've realized that I am gonna fuck up more times than this in my life. Because you know what? I'm human and I make mistakes. So many mistakes, sometimes even the same ones twice. I am going to fall on my face a dozen times, I am going to say stupid things and I'm going to make rash decisions.

And if you can't handle that, if you can't accept imperfections, and if you can't stand me in sweatpants, then you sure as hell don't deserve me in a white dress.

Something

2011-10-23T23:51:00.002-06:00

Music: The Funeral - Band Of Horses

In the midst of yet another irresponsible weekend, I find myself walking back to my apartment and the thought of him lingering heavily in my mind.

I trip onto my bed and carelessly remove my shoes. Reaching for my phone and trying to use the best of my drunken judgments, I typed coherent sentences, I think. Waking up the next morning, I realized I had sent yet again another pathetic text, demonstrating how much of a cheesy loser I was. And how much I missed having him in my life.

At this point, he is unfazed by my stupidity and desperation. Yet week after week, I try and honestly though, without a real purpose.

I don't really know or understand the point in me doing all of this. It's not like I want the relationship back or a boyfriend at this point in time. But I want...him back?

I never understood the idea of people calling their other halves their best friend. I thought it was the most disturbing idea ever. Falling in love with your best friend? You have got to be kidding me. But, as I sit here tonight and struggle to put my heavy thoughts into words, I think I've kind of realized that he was one of my best friends.

I realize that I go through motions of the day with him at the back of my mind and am always fighting the urge to snap a picture of a fat squirrel and sending it to him. Or maybe sitting with an unappealing sandwich and wishing I had him there to eat it for me instead of just throwing it away. Or even, wanting him by me when the day is beautiful outside only for him to ruin the moment by making inappropriate remarks.

I can't ever put a real definition on our relationship. We were so many things, both good and bad. Certainly we weren't the perfect couple everyone was envious of and certainly we weren't the kind of friends that girls have with their gay best friends. But we had...something.

I don't know what it is but I want that something back in my life.

---

Going home to the sound of his hostile voice ringing in my ears. It's hard to accept all of this but it feels like I had just gone to a funeral.

I hold on to his blue dress shirt and the blurry memory of his blue eyes. The scribbles of his notes and the distant sound of his laughter.

It feels like I just buried a part of my life deeper than just 6 feet under.

Loss

2011-10-21T14:39:00.000-06:00

Music: Someone Like You - Piano Cover

1. Early September and leaves are just starting to turn colors. Company of good friends and the curiosity of you sitting right next to me. The sun set and temperatures dropped. We were forced to stand in the parking lot. Your plaid flannel around my shoulders. You looked like you were freezing.

2. Middle of March, south of Colorado. Dust under our feet and rocks all around us. It snowed that night, with only one sleeping bag and a fourth of a handle of tequila to keep us warm. Head lamps in the dark and a deck of cards, maybe some quarters, if I remember it right. We played horse races with the cards and fell asleep in each other's arms.

3. Finals week in December. I'm stressed, trying to memorize French verbs and figure out their conjugations. My thoughts wander to you in between and you show up at my door, arms wrapped entirely around me. Barely coherent, you reeked of beer. I stayed up all night watching you murmur in your sleep.

4. Middle of summer in July. Breckenridge is beautiful. It's about 7 in the evening and the sun dips low behind the mountains of your house. You dragged the row boat and I sat across from you thinking how this cannot be real at all. I was looking at the boy I fell in love with.

5. One random weekend of the school year. I had never heard of Everclear and you promised that I would have to try it. What a mess.

6. Riding the bus home and walking to your apartment instead of mine to watch Lucky. Waiting for you to come home, eat cereal and Oreos as lunch and then watching tv all day with that little guy. How does something as simple as that stick in your mind?

7. Waking up to you, 14 hours ahead of time. Drowsy from sleep and you tired from work. Talking to Zebra through a camera. Showing each other our kitties.

8. You teaching me how to tie a tie. You always had a little bit of your tongue out and then would smack your lips every time a new step was involved.

9. Making chicken dinners with mayo. Making jambalaya. Making chinese dinners. Burning your bagel. Making you all of my roommates hot chocolate.

10. Missing you, every day in between all the above.

Memories are the only things I have left of you.

Regrets

2011-10-20T02:56:00.001-06:00

Music: -

I've found myself in countless situations where I just want to slap myself in the face or make someone kick me so hard it knocks reality entirely out of me.

Not saying I'm proud of it at all but it's making the cut to being blogged about.

My mom has always told me to make decisions but not any where you'd end up regretting for life because some mistakes are too expensive to be made and at this point, you know I have no means of affording any of it.

But in the past couple of months, I've found myself making some of the poorest choices in my life and sometimes, I try to fix them only to watch them crumble and the cold realization hit me like an 18-wheeler.

In the first few days of the break up, I was very convinced that he made one of the worst decisions of his life. Come on, who in the right mind would let me go? I loved him and that was all that mattered. Who cares what people thought of us? In my head, we were perfect and completely adorbs! Our chemistry was so intense. He made me laugh and I did the same. We shared the same stupid sense of humor and we cared for each other so much.

It's too bad the universe didn't revolve around just the two of us, does it?

My world crashed into pieces the day we snapped out of our stupid naive fantasy. Young love; so alive and at the same time, so destructive. What was I thinking when I decided to let all my guards down and dive head first into this? I wasn't thinking. I was wrapped up in exhilaration. Like a drug that gave you the highest high you've ever known.

And what happens when you get off that high?

You suffer withdrawals of the worst kind. You shake and stammer. Cry and scream. Delirium kicks in and more often than not, you don't realize the gravity of the situation. Of the words you carry and the consequences that ensues.

I was addicted to our love. Be it real or a mere figment of my imagination, I was hooked. And that was my biggest regret. Losing myself in the process, to this other person who held my heart so precariously.

I'm still paying the price, expensively. I should've listened because I've lost a lot more of myself now than when I was in it. I ended up hurting myself more than I know it. I hurt him too but more importantly, the people around me, who constantly fussed and felt the need to know that I'm alright.

I'm not, guys. I'm not. I'm broken and messed up and confused and more often than not, helpless. Somedays I feel so lost, I don't know where to begin again. If I can ever begin again. I've been trying to keep busy but the night and darkness has a funny way of reminding you what the state of your life really is.

I miss him incredibly and I wished that things didn't turn to dust that quickly.

We burned bright; and then we burned out.

Captivated

2011-10-18T23:27:00.000-06:00

Music: Cheated - Mike Posner

I'm on top of the worldddddd.

I am and I've never felt like this in a while. I've forgotten how exciting and rejuvenating it can feel. Like a breath of fresh air and a boost of enthusiasm. It feels amazing.

Things have been picking up since the break-up. I have to admit, I had one of those "what if's" moment the other day and a "remember when" night where I just let myself think and my thoughts trail. It was one of the worst nights of the week and I have to consciously remind myself not to do that.

It was one of the nights where I was up half the night from drinking so much caffeine and then I spent the other half exhausted but unable to sleep due to all that caffeine. Drifting in and out of consciousness and hearing my heart in my ears, I had vivid dreams where I was helpless. It was scary because I heard myself scream and plead but all I saw was him in front of me and that other girl.

I'm the forgotten girl.

But, like I said, memories fade and burn into nothing given a good amount of time. If you asked me now, I'd say I can barely remember the sound of his laughter much less his scent. I don't remember exactly the color of his eyes or the way his hands felt in mine.

It's not like they matter that much anymore.

So. My life right now revolves around writing (ha-ha didn't see that one coming), the sorority (at least trying to keep up with it!) and work (starting tomorrow!). I'm really trying to put it all together, especially when it comes to school. I think I've given myself enough time to be dumb and young and I'm just gonna find my way to be happy.

Pictures from the past couple of weeks! And all the people I've had the greatest pleasure and enjoyment spending time with :)

This was Saturday brunch with some of the girls from my sorority.

Note: Saturday morning after a belligerent night and we still looked good.

Props.

Game day against our rival team, Colorado State.

The only game we've won so far, sigh.

My beautiful friend, Abbi Nelson and also bar buddy.

She has seen me...places, needless to say.

ROOMMATE

Some of the decisions we make our very questionable.

More me than him really.

Don't judge.

Big smiles for pre-gaming!

At our latest house party.

It was such a blast!

Now, if only I could remember it.

It goes 1, 2, 3 shots and a sprint onto the balcony to shotgun a beer.

Yeah buddy.

Study sessions with Katie and Briana.

These girls know how to throw it down with the books.

It's getting cold in Boulder and I'm more than happy to snuggle into warm clothes.

We're classy.

I promise.

Right now, I'm looking forward to having more pictures like these taken. Genuine times with genuine people and not having to put false pretenses about anything at all.

I'm at a good spot right now and though sometimes I wish he would be in my pictures, I have to remember I never had that relationship with him.

Though it's sad to admit it's still awfully true. I knew he loved me just...not enough.

The Truth

2011-10-14T02:26:00.000-06:00

Music: Sparks Fly - Taylor Swift

Drop everything now,

meet me in the pouring rain,

cos I see sparks fly whenever you smile

---

There's so much more beauty in the world than the world I was caught up with.

I fell in love with the wrong kind and I'm learning how to fall out of it.

I'm sorry for you because all you'll ever experience is one shallow fuck.

You'll never see the love I saw in you and all the faith I saw in you.

I'm sorry for you,

that's the most I can give to you.

---

Tears are for the people in your life who really deserve them.

Don't waste them, don't put yourself out there for them to tear you down.

You're you. You're something and never let anyone else tell you otherwise.

--

You are one shallow, immature asshole.
If you want a tramp, you deserve a tramp. all of you.
All your imperfections and all your flaws.
If you ever find someone who will do the same,
I beg you, open your eyes and realize how much they're giving up for you.
Realize how much they're sacrificing for you and how much they're looking past.
Realize how human you are and how you're just one person in the midst of an ocean of people.
And they chose to love you.

Because I did that.
I did it all for you but I can't do it anymore.

I just want you to know that I fell in love with you.
With your bright personality and your humor and your intelligence.
The crooked nose and awkward smile didn't phase me.
The lack of physical perfection didn't affect me at all.
I fell in love with you, as an individual and as a person.
Because beauty is skin deep and at the end of the day I want to see a person who is unchanging.
I hoped that it would be you.

But of course not.
Because the best things in life don't come easy.

Whenever I Think About You

2011-10-12T02:41:00.001-06:00

Music: Why Can't I - Liz Phair

She sits in the early hours of the morning, exhausted from the long day she just had. Her feet ached from the pressure of being beautiful and her skin choked under all that make up she had to put on for the world. If they could see her now and how tiny she is compared to the person she was during the day.

They told her he'd found someone else. They told her she was the life of the party and adorable in so many ways. Everybody loved her. She was an angel. A beautiful little angel that, he too, conveniently loved.

She can't help but choke back the tears that she knew was going to come. Once upon a time, she was his little angel. She made him laugh and he watched her cry. She fell asleep in his lap and he played with her hair. She laid him butterfly kisses and listened to his heart beat.

Tonight, he's laid in the arms of this new girl with a big smile and bright eyes. She is beautiful, more beautiful than she could ever be and she can't help but feel a stab of jealousy. She was once that person. She was once the girl who held that intimacy. Who held secrets as dark as the nights they shared.

But now, she's just a girl with big dreams and an empty heart. So much more alone than she has ever felt in the entire world and always staring up at the skies, wondering if there's anyone out there or up there that can even begin to comprehend the way she feels.

She sends him a message in her mind. She's not going to be afraid to admit that she still misses him and she wished that he was here but realizing that he's happier there with her, she'll be alright with that.

As long as you smile because it's so beautiful when you do.

---

I'm ready to fall in love again.

With the world, with people, with friendships, with family, with life, with myself.

2011-10-11T18:10:00.000-06:00

Music: -

Upon returning home to some beautiful fall weather, I have also returned home to some impossibly deadlines and workload to accomplish.

As if that is not enough, I have also since decided to run for one of the toughest positions on the exec board of my sorority. Seeing as how my Big is currently VP Recruitment, I have decided why not? It'd be nice to continue the legacy since her Big before that also held the same position.

Writing has been continuously getting harder and more stressful for me. I mean, I am still helplessly in love with what I do but I have got to stop procrastinating or else suffer the terrible consequences as I somewhat had in the past week.

After surviving the lifestyle of a post-breakup, I have realized that people are sick of hearing me complain and bitch and moan about the ex and I realize that I am getting tired of it too.

At first, they were sympathetic and somewhat comforting but right now, they're just gonna be straight up brutally honest with me and for good reasons, I'm actually appreciating that because it's always nice to get a slap in the face.

Take my roommate, R. We were having our regular Thursday nights excursions and she's at a good level at this point. I decide to once again be miserable over the break up and she hands it straight to me without any mercy, telling me that I should stop acting on it.

The truth is I fell in love with a person that had no character, no morals and has no judgment whatsoever on how to treat another person right. I'm not blaming him for this because I suppose some people are just born assholes and I'm not saying that as a bad thing.

It's exactly the same as how some people are just tall, some people are just assholes. Maybe it's a genetic thing.

Poor excuse but really, at this point, I am exhausted at trying to convince him and everyone around me of how I was such a victim in this relationship and how I want him to realize that I loved him so much he shouldn't have let me go.

No. The truth is he knows and everyone else knows how much I've been hurt not just after it was over, but during and even prior to the relationship.

We had immense chemistry up until now but if I don't make him swell with pride and if I don't make him want to show me off to all his friends and if I don't make the cut for what he wants in a girl, then I don't.

My ex will find someone else whom he can dangle around for his friends and I will find someone else who will love me as I am.

I will find someone who will love me when I am in heels on a Friday night. When I am waking up next to him on a Sunday morning. When I am in deep concentration with my glasses on, typing out one of my articles. When I silly and when I am serious.

It sounds naive but I am holding on to it until I have it.

---

I am forced to watch the demise of a love that was so real to me once again and am forced to wonder how many more of these do I have to live through before I run headlong into one that will not change.

I am sad, not at the fact that he walked away, but at the fact that he didn't think I was worth fighting for anymore. That I wasn't worth the effort.

It always sucks when somebody gives up on you.

Coming Home

2011-10-10T08:08:00.002-06:00

Music: -

And so, my spontaneous and extremely realistically unaffordable escapade to the east coast comes to an end with me, sitting at a bar, drinking a really strong bloody mary whilst waiting for my plane back to Colorado.

I don't know if this weekend has fixed me, or changed me at all. I honestly didn't really know what I was looking for when I left the comforts of my home.

Perhaps, a little of me didn't want to feel so alone or independent anymore. Maybe I wanted a change of scene, of people, food, weather and culture. Maybe I just wanted a short break from expectations and deadlines without thinking that I'd have to come back to them eventually.

Maybe it was just in spite of Kevin's trip and how I wanted an adventure of my own, even if means it having it without him.

Every other adventure I have now will be without him, wouldn't it?

I can't help but find myself pathetic from time to time. Despite knowing the truth about the situation, I'm still caught in this foolish predicament of being in love with the wrong person. People just don't get that my heart isn't a dry erase board. I don't just rub a person in and out of it. I can't.

Philadelphia reminded me so much of home. With the company of best friends and silly humor, I felt at home. But also, incredibly out of place, as I've been feeling lately. I feel like I have my feet dipped in two worlds: where I'm from and where I am. It's all so overwhelming and confusing for me because I feel like I'll never fit in, no matter where I am.

Sitting at the edge of this bar in the early hours of the eastern morning, I am the only "chick" hanging out on my computer while men chat over beer, their destinations and their families. It is an interesting ecosystem of interactions, where lines are clearly drawn and boundaries are never overstepped, unless invited into.

I wonder if that was what I've been doing unknowingly. Overstepping my boundaries with my relationship. Wanting so much to fit in somewhere that I end up creating a huge buffer against me and am forced to watch the demise of something I've loved for such a long time.

I need to grow up now and I need to understand what it's like really fully be single. I need to embody the entire concept and be perfectly okay with it. I need to stop learning how to share and stop learning how to care. I need to build my hermit shell again and paint it with bright colors just for the sake of it.

Maybe someday I'll find a town and a person who will love with the same amount of belief and passion as I do. To really fall into an abyss, into uncertainty and splendor. Like Philadelphia, where the town is intertwined with the old and the new. Where glass towers overshadow old houses and cobble-stoned roads. Where cabs zoom past horse-drawn carriages.

Maybe love should be like that. An intricate mix of the old and the new; an entirety and a whole, not as a part. I believe in that and I believe that out of all the people in the world, there will be someone who believes in that too.

Until that day.

---

I've seen the pictures and I know you've screwed it up again.

Yes, Brian, you've fucked this one up too.

Wow

2011-10-08T23:13:00.001-06:00

Music: -

It is one of the saddest things when you're finally able to take a step back and look at the big picture.

Screw the details.

Reflecting back on everything that has happened in the past one year, it is so sad to realize that I never really believed what anyone told me about this kid. Sounds familiar huh?

I didn't want to believe that I was being used, again, by shallow boys who think with the wrong head.

But oh yes, I was. And this time, the realization came sooner although not in time to save me from the heartbreak.

If it all goes the way it has in the past, it's going to be really sad when I'll be looking at you in the eye without any feelings in them. I'm gonna apologize and feel sorry for you while you're there, trying to convince me that you've changed and that things have changed and that you'll wait. I'm gonna try to muster some form of emotion for you, for the times we've had, but I'm going to realize that I just don't love you anymore. The most I can give you is my sympathy and an apology.

You let me go, remember?

---

That entire afternoon spent in your apartment.

The first time I had seen someone so vulnerable and so hurt. Was it just an act? I can't let go of how vivid it was. How helpless you had seemed and how angry you were at yourself.

What were you sad about really? The fact that you could have almost lost me that day or the fact that I found out the truth about who you were?

I should have walked out that door and never looked back because someone like you needs a taste of your medicine.

Karma's a bitch, just so you know.

Cold

2011-10-06T01:09:00.000-06:00

Music: Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World

It was right about midnight and the air was thick with fall. Dead leaves litter the sides of pavements and skies were clear. The moon was so bright it could've burned the stars out.

This town didn't seem as beautiful as it was to her a year ago. One year ago, everything held her with wonder and surprises. This year, the town seemed to be as dead as the leaves on the ground.

She flicked her lighter and watched the smoke twirl and disappear. She wondered how she could express herself this time. She's as exhausted as the amount of words she'd used but she figure she'd give it a try, for her own sake.

And so she put pen to paper and like second nature, the words took shape once again.

Dear person,

When I was younger, I used to dream of the days I'd gotten to spend with you. I used to dream of being far away, waking up in haze, curled in sheets and tangled in the arms of the person I'd fallen in love with.

Love, as I have learned, is not the evening walks in Paris. It is not giggles over pink champagne or bouquets of flowers.

I don't know what love is.

But what I do know is there's still this little part in me that cares for you. I may not get to hear your voice or see you in a long while but my thoughts stray and sometimes they ask me how you're doing.

How are you doing in the midst of all this?

I wish I knew so I could hold your hand if you were nervous. Bring you food if you were hungry. Calm you down if you were anxious. Make you laugh if you were down. Give you a hug if you were tense.

I don't know why I want to do these things for you. It's not love because love isn't this simple, is it?

I caught myself today. It was subtle but I caught myself talking about you and it struck me at how much distance there is now between us. More than the distance we had spent when I was 14 hours ahead in time from you and there were oceans and continents and mountains between us.

It brought me back to the times when we were foolish dreamers. We talked about riding elephants in India and hiking mountains in Nicaragua. We had planned for this one big adventure to a foreign land like Istanbul where we didn't speak the language and we'd only have maps and each other to get us through.

It reminded me of the times you laid by me, groggy from the sounds of the morning and drifting in and out of sleep, unprepared to face the day or the world yet. They expect so much out of us, don't they?

It showed me the night you came home with maps and contact information and one more big responsibility sitting on your shoulder. You were so scared but I was so proud.

I was always proud of you.

I don't know what love is. But I know I will miss you for a while and you have to find it in you, somewhere, to forgive me for that.

I am so sorry, from the bottom of my heart for ever weighing you down with this stupid notion of feelings. They are petty things that a person shouldn't even bother with and I am sorry.

Sincerely,
Me.

She stared at yet another damp paper. The ink was smeared at places and some words barely legible. She smoothed the creases out of the side and folded it neatly.

Sealing it with a kiss, she took her lighter and watched as the bright flame lick it up. She hoped that would get to him. Like sending gifts to the dead, she crouched and hugged herself, shaking from the sadness.

She was mourning the death of yet another part of her.

I Beg

2011-10-04T12:47:00.002-06:00

Music: Someone Like You - Tyler Ward cover

If my mascara runs down my face one more time today, swear to God, I will break something.

---

Are we done now? Are we done fighting and ignoring each other now? Pretending like we don't care and that we don't wonder how each other's doing?

Are we done being immature now? Can I call you now? Can you be in my life again?

Are we done playing who cares less now? I wanna bet that you care just as much as I do.

Does it kill you inside to be walking into the same lecture hall filled with 200 people and wonder where I am? Do you wonder over the weekends what I'm up to? Who I'm with? Who I'm going home with? Or who I'm texting?

Because I'm done with this stupid way of breaking up. I'm done missing you. I don't wanna go to sleep with a million questions in my head and waking up to having none of them answered. It's eating me alive and damn, do I put up a good front but in the solitude of my room and the walls, I'm crumble into a million little pieces.

So tell me, are we done?

I know we were nothing close to ideal, much less perfect but don't you miss the glimpses of times when we had that possibility.

If you've ever missed me or wondered at all, just tell me so I don't have to feel like I'm alone in this.

---

She stood in the middle of the green quad, indistinct distant chatters surrounded her. It was a partly sunny day and leaves from the trees fell around her like confetti as fall was enveloping them.

She had her eyes fixated on her shoes. He was getting impatient, clutching onto his backpack and looking annoyingly at her. She had no idea what to say to him except for how she'd wish she could just freeze time and keep them there that way for as long as possible.

He finally broke the silence.

"I'd have to admit, that yes, I've been seeing other people, and yes, I've slept with them." he said plainly.

"So are we done for good?"

"Yes, we're done. Leave me alone."

---

It's a whirlwind out there. It's a whirlwind in here.

---

Someone please just take my heart away from me cos I can't deal with it anymore.

Indifference

2011-10-02T23:28:00.004-06:00

Music: Kissing You - Miranda Cosgrove

Alright, I will have to admit that I haven't been the best, strongest, post-break up individual out there. I've realized that my past few previous posts have been a crazy mixture of pathetic-ness and well...false pretenses.

My life is a joke sometimes.

Truth is, I do lapse in and out of it. Take today for an instance. I was doing fine all day and then one random occurrence sparks my moment of weakness and I was so close to caving. I was standing on the sidewalk waiting for my ride and I was in the midst of composing my message. I always have troubles ending it and making it seem non-chalant (because it really isn't to me!).

So there I was deleting and re-writing this stupid, trivial but well-meant message when I see a fluffy little raccoon walking up towards me. I watched it for a good amount of time and instantly remembered the times when him and I would take the trash out together and I'd be terrified of the raccoons who were digging around inside of it.

It's the always the little things that strike you out hard.

I got into my ride, still with intentions of sending this message. And possibly include the raccoon as well but the person next to me was interestingly kind and charming. Before I knew it, I got out of the car after being so wrapped up in our brief 10 minute conversation about lightning and German that I had forgot all about the message I had wanted to send.

So I didn't do it and I'm proud of myself because these are the little steps you have to go through.

He told me on the day we were broke up that maybe a month from then we might have the chance of reliving what we had. I was skeptical but I held on to that hope.

It's been a month now and I feel farther away from him than I've ever felt in a while. Thinking on it now, I find it hard to ever have what we did. I guess I'm always a little naive to think that we could do our insane hikes and study sessions again together but reality is that the moment's passed. Is it time for new memories with someone else?

I do want to say though that I miss him incredibly as a friend. If there was anything that he was to me, he was a great friend. I used to find it so easy to tell him about the job interview that I had gotten or the paper I stayed up writing or just how I slipped and fell on ice on a cold winter morning. Having my person there was nice. And he was my person.

As of now, I'm trying to get to bed before midnight because I have decided to drown myself in the chaos of life once again. Taking up more reporting gigs and trying to work 2 jobs in college.

You know, just trying to get my life back on track again after the distraction that knocked the wind out of me and took my breath away. Literally.

Just so you know, it's been 4 days since I last tried to talk him. Soon, it'll be a week. Then a month. Then years possibly. And it just breaks my heart that everyone ends up becoming a stranger.

Unfortunately, it seems like, you were just another one of the boys. Like all the boys before.

This Fucking Hurts

2011-09-30T02:46:00.001-06:00

Music: -

It almost feels like my heart was being brutally ripped out of my chest by savages that know no mercy, compassion or feelings.

I know I'm not supposed to do it. Or think. Or even feel. But it is kinda hard, don't you think?

In the past 10 minutes, I've just discovered that everything I believed and thought to be true and real to me, isn't.

It's like a huge slap in the face, only this one took whatever sensations I have in my heart with me.

So the past 1 year has just been one big booty call adventure?

I want to hate you, I do. I want to hate your guts. I want to hate your core. I want to hate every single living fiber in you. The ground you walk on and the air you breathe. I want to hate your eyes, your fingers, your lips. I want to hate you so much that it obliterates you from my life; from my memory.

But I can't, can I?

Because you have gotten me wrapped around your finger and fooled. Because you made me fall in love with you.

It wasn't just the dark sleepless nights for me. It wasn't just the drunk misdemeanors. No, baby. I fell in love with you. I fell in love with all of you. I fell in love with your quirky habits. I fell in love with the moments where you freaked out. I fell in love with the way you read, sang, joked. I fell in love with you.

Maybe you're scared of that. But imagine me? I'm terrified of the thought. I wish I didn't know how to love because when you don't know, it's so much easier on you. You don't know what it's like to have the little nagging voice at the back of your head. You wouldn't know how to care. You wouldn't have to compromise yourself. And the best part of not knowing how to love? You wouldn't have to walk around feeling like you've lost a part of yourself.

I really want to believe that I didn't lose a year of my life to someone who didn't even remotely feel the same way back. But tonight, the truth is staring blatantly at my face. Like a dead body who isn't going to come back to life. It doesn't matter how much I cry or scream or plead or write: you never loved me.

It's like diving head first into icy waters but not feeling the burn. It's like crying but the tears don't relieve any pain at all.

It's a sobering thought. A reality check.

It's being vulnerable and getting hurt all over again. And no matter how many times I go through it, it doesn't hurt any less.

So I'm putting my walls back up and please, if you're reading this, whoever you are, don't hurt me anymore.

I have nothing more of myself to give. I'm terribly broken and sad and I have no one to blame but myself.

---

How could you?

How could you fucking do it? Are you not human at all? Do you have no morality or ethics? Let's not even start with emotions.

Tell me, how could you have fucking done it?

---

How? How did everything get so screwed up?

In A Way You Fixed Me, And Also Broke Me

2011-09-29T00:00:00.000-06:00

Music: Flashing Lights - Kanye West feat. Dwele

So as most people are looking back on September and getting excited for the arrival of October, I am dreading it. Just a little. Just a little.

Kevin's frat is having a huge outing to a lake in Utah called Lake Powell and it's basically just going to be a big big party with a bunch of my sisters and friends.

Am I allowed to go?

Obviously not.

Why? Because he's the organizing chairperson and there is no way in living hell that he was gonna have me there, watching him hit up bitches and getting sloppily shitfaced. Drunk wakeboarding and then more drunk cliff diving.

I'm the crazy, possessive ex-girlfriend remember?

I'm not being bitter but sometimes I just WISH that he could look at things from my point of view. Sure it sucks for him that he had to date a girl like me but me? I went through the relationship believing that he loved me, which turned out wrong. And then I lose half my friends because of him.

Is it time for me to move to the east coast yet?

Some days this town is filled with so much beauty but other days, I'm just tired of the same view.

It puzzles me that despite me being the one getting dumped, he's the one who ends up hating me. For everything he's put me through, I should be the one pinning needles into a voodoo doll of him.

Please note that I was kidding. I would never really do that.

I'm just frustrated but no, I am not going to let it get to me anymore. I've eaten lots of ice-cream, drank a plenty, cried triple that amount, watched sappy love movies, had utterly meaningless and blacked out hookups, flirted with a plant, smoked like a chimney, went for a run at 2 a.m. around the block twice and I am done.

No more of that bullshit.

As I watch September come to a close, I'm accepting the closure of this chapter of my life. It's hard to write an appropriate ending to such an experience. A roller coaster of euphoria and devastation. I close my eyes to think back on us and I see sunshine, wind, fingertips, steady breaths, shallow breaths, shakes in the dark, tears and screams, running away, impatience, frustration.

The nights are getting colder and the colors of fall are slowly creeping in. It's one of my favorite times of the year and no matter how much it hurts to remember the summer, I'm not going to let it get to me anymore.

I am putting on make-up, wearing heels and going out this weekend. And before that, I am baking my roommates a cake because I love them.

I am self-sustainable and though it felt like the world came crumbling down the day he turned back around into that alley way, you build back up from the ruins.

10 Things

2011-09-28T00:06:00.002-06:00

Music: I Would Do Anything For You - Foster The People

It's time for some mindless ramblings in the midst of studying for my first midterm of the year.

1. I just want the simplest notion of falling in love. Yes, I want that disgustingly warm feeling inside of me. I want to blush when I look at him. I want to ramble and brag about him to everyone. I want that innocence back. I want to be in love.

2. In so many ways, I feel like our lives have both diverged and converged at the same time. Forget holding on to the nights where it was just me and him. My nights are now shared with...myself and him with, well fuck, god knows.

3. How do you hate someone?

4. Hi, Adelina called. She wants her heart back now. Yeah? Please?

5. Miserable at best.

6. If you see this, will you please take me on a hike and then to dinner and just say goodnight at the door. Let's leave it simple and not wake up, hungover, with pounding questions of what's going to happen next. Text me in 3 days and ask me out again. Play by the rules and maybe, just maybe, things will fall into place this time?

7. Got asked out 3 times this week but I can't seem to pull myself to just do it.

8. Remember the times you were so nervous and excited about your Powell trip. Well, I remember that sparkle in your eyes and confidence you had. I was mighty proud. Where am I in the equation now?

9. I don't even know which corner of the Earth I can go to anymore.

10. So...did I make it that easy for you to walk right out of my life? Was I that easily dispensable?

Fight

2011-09-27T00:20:00.001-06:00

Music: Cheated - Mike Posner

"Don't lick your wounds, celebrate them.

The scars you bare are the signs of a true competitor.

You're in a lion fight.

Just because you didn't win doesn't mean you didn't roar."

---

"Do you still love me?"

"...Don't ask me this now."

"Do you?"

"Yeah...but it's not the same."

---

It's that one waking moment; that one sobering realization, when you realize that all you've loved and all you've hoped for isn't there anymore.

You're his past. He only lives in dreams.

And you? You'll be forgotten.

---

I know you're busy with everything in your life right now and I know I'm the last person you wanna see or hear from, but I just wanted you to know that I still love you. I don't know how not to love you yet and I'm sorry for that.

I'm sorry for loving you.

Let Go

2011-09-26T14:07:00.004-06:00

Music: Skyscraper - Demi Lovato

During the final weeks of our relationship, Kevin and I had gotten into, yet again, one of our notorious fights.

I had been incredibly stressed out with recruitment week over at the sorority and moving in to my new apartment, which was unfurnished. I had my old roommate, Briana, to help me move my things that was sitting in her apartment over the summer to my new place and I had wanted Kevin to be there too, to help.

It was only a few days ago that I had broken down due to the incredible stress of the week in front of him and it felt so good to be in his arms and hear his calm voice, reassuring me that I will get through this.

On that move-in day, I had tried getting a hold of him the entire morning and he finally returns my call at about noon. I was furious and disappointed at how unavailable he was just there for me a couple of nights ago. I didn't understand how busy he was. And even if he was busy, he should've been able to make time for me.

I threatened him over the phone and said that if he wasn't here in the next hour, our relationship would be over.

When he did show up, I didn't even want to look at him while he was there, trying so hard to make me feel better. My anger had consumed me and I took it out on him, unjustly.

The air was tense as the both of us were clearly unhappy. Kevin broke down later that day and told me how I could have done that to him. How I could've put our relationship at stake and put him in such a difficult position. I watched him sit in the corner of my empty room, broken-hearted at my actions and suffering so much pain from my selfish words.

I am trying so hard to find the light in this break up. Some day, I wish I could just blame myself for everything. Maybe I was never a good partner in this relationship and that he deserved so much more than me. I want to believe that I could never hurt the person I love but at the end of things, I realize they're the ones I end up hurting the most.

I always think that if you love someone, you will never let them go. That's why I run because I expect to be chased. I walk away because I expect to be followed.

It's been a month since I walked away from him in his back alley. He didn't come after me. You grow up and you realize not everyone is going to come after you. Sometimes, patience wears thin and there comes a point where they can't keep up with you anymore.

Maybe if you really love someone, you will let them go.

---

It was one of those nights where the dreams you had were so vivid and real.

It was me and you, running through the buildings on campus, with no real purpose. We were just running. We weren't running away from or to anything, but our hands were together and you were leading and we were just happy with the winds in our hair.

---

I would give anything to have you back in my life.

---

I miss you so much and I'm trying but it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle. I know you expect a lot more from me. I know you expect me to give you that space and be strong without you but somedays, I just feel like caving in and giving up.

The truth is, I don't go a day without having you cross my mind. Without wondering how things would be like if you were still here with me.

And I want to apologize in advance if I give up completely. I don't think I can carry this burden on my own any longer and I'm so sorry for disappointing you again.

Sundays

2011-09-25T12:02:00.002-06:00

Music: -

I don't really remember where September went.

From trying to make the best out of my college career to nursing my freshly wounded heart back to working condition, I feel like I've lost the race against life.

Life.

I need to take a huge breath every time I even think of that word.

September was a fuzzy blend of drunken days and nights, meaningless hook ups and tears. More often than not, tears.

Today Kevin told me that he didn't love me anymore.

It made me wonder if he even ever did love me in the first place.

---

It's that sinking feeling that hits you without warning, at any given time of the day.

It's the knowledge that it's never ever going back to the little things that I stupidly hold on to.

It's being alone in a crowded room.

It's losing you in its entirety.

It's losing myself.

Moving On

2011-09-22T00:00:00.000-06:00

Music: Desert Rain - Edward Maya ft. Vika Jigulina

I came home from a fulfilling day.

I had scrubbed my kitchen floor clean, did all the dishes, wiped down the counter tops and made myself a decent lunch with enough leftovers to last the rest of the week.

All that was left was to attend to my pending articles that were closely approaching their deadlines. And obviously, knowing me, I only work best under pressure.

Earlier in the night, I had the great chance to attend a talk by Jim Voss, a former astronaut who lived 6 months on the International Space Station. It was nothing short of inspiring and for that 2 hours, I got to unleash the inner geek in me.

We talked about life in space, missions, expeditions and achievements. It was eye-opening and definitely enlightening.

It's so surreal for me to be camping, looking up at the velvet skies and imagine that there are actually people living above us, looking down on Earth, through the clouds and the atmosphere, floating around and trying to get by life.

I also came home to news of Troy Davis' execution that just happened.

It picked a little string in my heart to think of it. I've never really taken a strong stance on how I feel about the death punishment but I know that we cannot be more justified of executing a man than of us murdering a person.

Essentially, it's the same thing to me. Who are we to play God?

In the first few weeks of me breaking up with Kevin, I felt like the world centered around me. I felt like the ultimate victim and that I deserved all the sympathy AND empathy I could get. I couldn't see past myself. I couldn't see how self-harm would bring about any good to me than it would anyone else.

Looking back at myself now, I am thoroughly disgusted at my level of immaturity. There I was thinking I had my life figured out, thinking I had my future in control, thinking that this man beside would be there through the good and bad. I was so over-confident in so many aspects of my life that it crushed me to the core when everything came tumbling down.

Kevin left. I had missed an entire week of classes. I quit my job. I don't remember a time I was sober in that week and I hadn't worn make up in days. I was a mess on so many levels and I only had myself to blame.

Today while reading the last pages of Oedipus by Sophocles, we struggled with the concept of wisdom. What is it and how we really obtain it?

We debated and argued and pulled dialogues apart, trying to grasp a concrete of sense of what it really meant.

By the end of the hour, I came to the conclusion that wisdom is really not knowing. The simple acceptance of the fact that we are human and that we err constantly is more than a person claiming to have knowledge. Just like Socrates said it is. Ditto bud.

And so, I comply and I am going to relinquish control over things in my life. I awoke today with the same feeling as I do every morning ever since Kevin and I broke up. Like routine, I check my phone. And then I turn my computer because I admittedly, I still hope.

But I have to say, it's getting easier each morning to take a deep breath and figure out what to wear and how I should do my make up for the day because I know there are things bigger than me. Things bigger than Kevin and I.

Things like Davis' death. Things like our world and people that have came and gone before us. Things like our universe and how minute we are.

It'll fall into place. Be it with him or without. I'll find my place in this huge world. I've just gotta take heed and have faith and things will work themselves out.

One more breath and one more day. One step at a time.

Acceptance

2011-09-21T00:00:00.000-06:00

Music: Just A Kiss - Lady Antebellum

I've decided to take the bold step of updating my status on Facebook for all my 923 friends to see.

Hi, my name is Adelina and I am single.

I'm realizing that every waking moment that I spend missing him is another moment for me to grow up. Kevin is somewhere, out there, doing sedentary regular things, like eating a pizza, drinking soda, texting a person, commenting on a Facebook post, laughing at a funny YouTube clip and I am here, in my apartment, with my computer, with my thoughts, with my music, with the things that have made me who I am.

This break up has been a bigger journey of self-discovery much more than self-healing.

I've never hated Kevin for anything. I've never resented his decisions, albeit selfish at times, he is as much of a person as I am and maybe he has some growing up to do too. Kevin has been wonderful and more often than not, very patient with me.

Maybe this break up had to come for the sake of both our sanities. We drove each other crazy. He could not stand my emotional needs and I couldn't understand his emotional detachment. He hated how impolite and casual I was with certain things and I hated how picky he was with other things. He didn't even really liked my cats back home...

But that's not the point. The point is I'm trying to see the light in this break up and I'm trying to come to terms with it. I'm trying to form some reasonable explanation for my friends instead of telling them how much of a douche he was.

I'm going to say, Kevin and I broke up because we were at different points of our lives. I never doubted his love for me, ever, but sometimes, love isn't enough to carry you through the storm. I needed a lot more out of him than he could give and it was at a point where I wasn't being fair to him any longer.

In many ways, Kevin saved us and me. He saved me from turning into the monster I could be when I was blinded and obsessed with the idea of us.

That's it.

Maybe that was what it along for me. I was in love with the idea of us. Boy, it was such a good idea. I wanted a boyfriend so badly because girls with boyfriends were just cool. They would always have flowers on Valentines day, they would always have an arm around their waist in pictures and they would always have a person to come home to.

I'm letting go of that notion completely and I'm going to start this new thing called being single. I'm 21, living in a beautiful town with the world at my fingertips and I'm not going to relive my mistakes. I came here a year ago, escaping my past from home, with hopes that I would find love in a far away land and thinking that once I had that, everything else will fall into place.

And I did find love. I found Kevin and I've felt love from another person in a way that I've never had. I'm not claiming to say that what we had was perfect but the time I had with him has opened my eyes to a whole other possibility.

Maybe, I could have more than this.

A half hour ago, I was tempted to text a person that I had no interest in whatsoever to come over and ease my pathetic lonely self. After sitting down and writing this, I realized that it wouldn't be fair to either of us. I am still in love with Kevin but I'm not going to chase it. I'm not gonna trap it, steal it, play tricks on it or hide it.

I'm going to admit that I still love him and I don't know how long I will continue to love him. Maybe for a week. A month. 6 months. 6 years. I honestly don't know and I don't care. That's the beauty of it. I'm not gonna worry about the future or obsess over the past. I'm living in the present and right now, my head is a little lightheaded from the glasses of wine I've consumed and I have an entire book to read for my class tomorrow but I'm a lot better than where I first started out.

And that was step 1. Acceptance.

Space

2011-09-20T17:33:00.001-06:00

Music: Dirt Road Anthem - Jason Aldean

It is the non-existent element in my room, with clothes, books and dirty underwear covering the carpeted floor.

Space is the vast emptiness above me that is sometimes littered with a million stars so far away but shine bright nonetheless.

Space is the quiet house that I come home to from time to time when my roommates, whom I now call my family, is busy dealing with their own lives.

Space is the reason he and I decided to walk down our separate paths.

I'm trying hard to grapple with this concept of space. How much space is enough space? And how much space is too much space? Is there such a thing as too much space?

I've decided to name him "Kevin" for now because for the longest time, my roommates thought his name was Kevin. And so it's become kind of a thing between us, to just refer him to Kevin because admittedly, it gets hard to say his name and not think of things in the past.

I saw Kevin again today. I had forgotten how much I had fallen in love with his tiny smile. For a split second there, it brought me back to the past, when "fighting" was never an issue. What did fighting even mean to us?

Fighting over where the remote to the tv was. Fighting over who should get up and use the bathroom first. Fighting over who drank more beer.

I don't know when the fighting turned into the both of us kneeling in tears, afraid at the thought of losing each other and also afraid at the thought of being with each other.

Kevin walked away from me and I took the courage to not look back. Kevin's always going to walk away from me, from the life we had and I have to stop holding on to whatever it is I am holding on to. Whether it's the tiny thing of watching him do homework or the large moments where I'm grasping his hand, assuring him he's going to be fine, getting through the school year.

I have to let it go because he already has. He's already given up the back rubs, the coffee dates and study sessions.

A little part of me wished that we had gotten breakfast together, and he would have the courage to hold my hand and tell me that he still loved me. That it wasn't a status thing, it wasn't about his fraternity. It was just about him and I and that our love hasn't burned out.

But I'm writing to you now, with a glass of wine and dinner as my first meal of the day, telling you that reality is nothing close to my wishes. It lies on the opposite end and I have no idea where Kevin is or what he's even thinking of right now.

I'm on the right track to making "Kevin" a certified stranger.

---

Ne m'oubliez pas.

The Weakest Link

2011-09-19T09:51:00.000-06:00

Music: -

Sitting at a table in the middle of one of the buildings on campus, I waited anxiously. I wondered what he would be wearing today. That cap for sure.

Every time the door swung open, my heart skipped a beat.

No that wasn't him.

Of course it wasn't because he came from behind and took me by surprise.

It was a green shirt and I'm taking all these mental pictures of the situation because everything else I've had of him from the past, I'm slowly returning and they're slowly fading.

We talked about superficial things. How your weekend has been, how are classes. Things we both know to say, things that are detached, things that are safe.

I wanted him to know that all I wanted to do was reach over and hold his hand. I wanted to ask if he would wanna grab some lunch together later and walk through campus since it was gonna be such a beautiful day outside.

But all I did was smile and listened to what he had to say because admittedly, I still wanted that little bit of access into his life.

He asked for a hug before he left and I knew that would kill me. But I complied. Stepping into his arms felt like second nature and I buried my face in his shoulders, catching his cologne. For a moment there, time stood still. I didn't even want to fathom letting go.

And then he stepped back. It ended as fast as it began.

When he walked away, I looked for an empty classroom and cried.

---

I awoke roughly last night, after a long night of disturbing dreams. Of him, and my family and friends. I don't remember what it was about but my heart was racing and I silently cursed in the dark because I needed the sleep.

I glanced and the red glow in the dark read 4:12 a.m.

I checked my phone. Maybe I would've had a missed call. A text message. Any sign from him showing that he's been maybe thinking of or missing me as much as I've been him.

Nothing. Duh.

I turned on the computer, my brain still foggy from the colors of my dream and body exhausted from the weekend. I wasn't really sure what I was looking for in the early hours of the morning. Maybe some company, a familiar face or voice?

Instead I was greeted by a total stranger, with a kind note to the troubles I've been struggling with lately. And to that stranger, I just wanted to say thank you. I don't know where you're from, where you've been or where you're going, but with the tiny little effort of reaching out, and trying to make me feel like I'm not alone in this, it's gotten me through the day.

I'm taking baby steps and I'm praying I come out of this alive.

Weekends

2011-09-18T12:20:00.001-06:00

Music: No Sleep - Wiz Khalifa

Morning faces

Now, I would call that a solid weekend.

Though, I am exhausted and I swear I can't really remember a time when I was sober this entire weekend, but it's all good. Livin' it up and lovin' it all.

I'm just hoping for some normalcy in my life now after the fucking train wreck of a life I've had in the past year. Heck, I could even stretch it back farther than that.

I'm thinking regular simple things like photobooth pictures, ice-cream cones, movie nights and pancake brunches.

I'm still keeping my fingers crossed and not losing faith yet. It'll happen at some point but until then, I'm gonna make every other day count.

EDIT:

Feeling defeated once again.

Every time I feel like I have my footing right, someone comes over and knocks me down. It's disheartening but it happens.

I guess I'll have to accept what I have presently and make it worth.

Rough times are now but there storm clouds will pass right? I just gotta keep telling myself that I can fight my way through this, as I have in the past.

Just keep telling myself that I'll be fine and I will be fine.

---

Deep down inside, I think we both had huge reservations about the idea of us.

I knew at some point in my life, I would have had to let you go.

Things are sliding downhill so fast. So many things that have tainted that; our love. I never thought it would turn for the worst in such a short amount of time.

But it has and I can't help but be sad for it. That breaks my heart the most.

I don't know what to do honestly. I don't know what I can do to salvage this or if it's too late and it has all just turned into debris.

I write and write and I don't know why I even try to continue writing cos it boils back down to the same issue. It still feels the same.

---

I don't want to love ever again.

This Was What It Really Meant To Me

2011-09-17T02:59:00.000-06:00

Music: -

Walking around tonight, everything was a blur.

I thought of you, and how you would've held me right instead of the creep in the side of the room who only knew my first name.

I called you, hoping to hear your voice, to hear that familiarity, to hear that reassurance that someone I knew was still there in my life.

But you never answered. And when you did, it was with the coldest tone.

I wonder now, sitting in my bed, in the early hours of the morning, how you ever told me you loved me and how I believed it. I wonder if you've ever known how to love someone. How the patience eats you up and you're always hoping for a change of scene. Hoping for a day where he will look you straight in the eyes, with the strongest conviction in the world, knowing that he will take that leap of faith as you have.

But I suppose, we are all too young for a fantasy like this. For stability in a world where everything revolves around uncertainty. Sometimes, I cling onto a naive hope like this. Even when the world around seems like it's about to break down and crumble, I wish I had that one person in my life that will be by me to say it's okay to be afraid because everyone's afraid.

I wish I could find a person as brave as that.

But until then, every step I've taken and every hope I've made has just resulted in the same disappointing human nature: that everyone's a coward in reality and at the end of the day, the only courage and the only conviction you will find is within yourself.

---

I love you.

The only reason why I still want you in my life is because I'm afraid that if I don't, I will never remember what is was like to love you.

Loving you was like a walk in big meadow. How every touch felt soft and natural. How every breath of air was fresh and rejuvenating. How your eyes lit up so bright it could've burned a hole in my soul.

The feeling was so surreal, at times I was scared to my core.

And now I understand why. It's when you lose that feeling in your life, that brightness that lighted up your world. It's the sudden bleakness you have to live with. It's like everything around you stepped down a gradient in color. Like the sky became dull and the birds don't sing the same melody anymore.

That was what it was like to lose you. My world became a shade of gray. And perhaps, that's what reality is. A mere shade.

But I want to tell you, if you'd ever find a person that colors and lights up your world, love her good and treat her right because the feeling is inexplicable. It's incomprehensible and that's when you know that you've really loved someone.

Sorry? Nah.

2011-09-15T23:35:00.000-06:00

Music: Dancing In The Dark - DEV

Just wanted to say...

You're a pig. You're disgusting and degrading.

If you thought I had issues, you have A LOT more.

I'm regretting this on a daily basis. I'm regretting YOU on a daily basis. Seriously I am so puzzled by how I actually lived with you for an entire year in my life.

Good for you that you're hitting up any single thing that walks. Unlike you, I kinda know that I "still got game" even I was "with" you.

Typing this out makes you sound that much more pathetic, goddamn.

But I'm taking this as...everyone makes mistake. And guess what, experience is the most brutal of teachers.

So uh, all the best and please just don't get chlamydia. But if you do, then I'm sorry.

...no, I'm not really sorry.

Wait, What?!

2011-09-14T22:20:00.000-06:00

Music: Let Me Take You Out - Bryan J ft. Travis Porter

Obsessed with the new piercing!

So blessings come in disguise.

Mine came in the form of a random pairing in one of my classes and I now have this person, whom I've never met but instantly clicked with. Literally within 3 seconds of our conversation.

I don't even know what to make of it but I'm having so much fun just talking to this kid. It's getting so ridiculous.

But I'm not complaining. Today has been great and I haven't been able to say that in a while.

Just waiting for the weekend cos it's gon be so epicly phenom.

Turn Up The Lights

2011-09-13T11:47:00.000-06:00

Music: All Of The Lights - Kanye West feat. Rihanna & Kid Cudi

Tongue piercing; yesss.

I'm picking the pieces back up, slowly but surely.

I'm done pretending and conforming. Never been one to be that girl, not gonna be her now.

I still love you.

Not going to apologize anymore for my inadequacies. I'll never be perfect and neither will you. Not wanting to be your little trophy that you polish just so you can show me off to the world. They are immaterial to me.

I'd rather drink beer with boys and watch football than have a cuppa tea with pretentious girls and talk about Toddlers and Tiaras.

So...sorry I'm not sorry.

Chapter 1

2011-09-11T00:15:00.002-06:00

Music: -

The days are long and sometimes, they seem to go on forever but it's been getting better.

It always gets better.

I've been re-reading my posts from the past and unearthing things that don't belong to me and they strike a chord deep inside of me. Here lies a person I once knew and loved so much.

Note the past tenses used in my sentence. Past.

It's been a struggle going through this alone, where nobody can even fathom the way you feel inside. They only offer sympathy and sorries, almost as if they were thinking how lucky it is to not be me right now.

I agree. Things haven't been as easy as they used to be and I'm slowly accepting it. A part of me has grown numb to the beatings that life gives you and right now, I just take them and try to learn from mistakes in the past.

The night he walked with me down to the bench by the lake was cold. Winds were strong and thunder could be heard from afar. I almost felt like God was trying to give me a sign that it was going to be one of the hardest nights of my life. When he talked to me, it was like talking to a stranger. He stared at the ground and said the words almost automatically, like he had been practicing for a long long time just so he can execute them perfectly.

I tried crying but nothing came out. I wanted to believe that it was a dream but it was very much my reality and I still remember it as vividly as ever. I ended up walking alone at home that night, my mind racing and my heart beating as hard as it could. I was surprised I could still breathe at that point. I felt sick to my stomach so I stopped and threw up behind a bush. I sat in the bus and walked home in a blur.

My roommates were sitting in the living room when I got home and I took 6 shots of rum within 20 minutes. I wanted something, anything, to get me away from my world. And then I called him and said I was about to kill myself. No matter what I said or did, how I begged or pleaded, he was the same person on the bench that I talked to.

I walked into the kitchen and pressed the cold metal against my skin. I had never found myself in that position in my life. When the pressure resulted in hot sting, I instantly regretted it. He looked at me with disgust and fear. When I needed someone there the most, he ran out and no matter how much I screamed or chased him, he only ran further.

I found myself mumbling a series of different words: his name, God, my mom and help. I had never felt so alone in my life. My body was tired from the things I had done to it and my mind could not process anything else.

And then I don't remember anything else except waking up next to him, but not as a person I love, just as another body. I stared at his back, watched him sleep and wondered how I got through the night. For a second, I wanted to scream out of fear for this stranger next to me but he stirred, rubbed his eyes open and shot the coldest look at me.

When he left, I cried. I cried til I couldn't breathe. I cried until my room was a blur. I cried until I was voiceless, cried until my fists hurt from clutching my sheets, cried until I couldn't stand.

Sometimes, you meet people that walk into your life and leave an impression so deep you feel like you've lost a part of yourself to them when they leave. Brian brought out the best and worst in me.

But Brian is just another story for me to tell. He doesn't live on in my life and I don't know how many people actually will.

Those Will Be The Best Memories

2011-09-05T02:04:00.000-06:00

Music: Animal - Mike Snow

Uncovered some pictures from my computer that was not the best.

Went through my Skype history and wondered where and when did everything start to fall apart? Has it always been that dysfunctional but I just chose to ignore it?

It's weird how I've always been a huge skeptic out of so many things in my life but this one thing, I was actually kind of hopeful for. It just turned out to be a huge letdown and I really can't blame anyone else but myself for having that much of expectations for it.

There was once a time where we were both linked by immense happiness and genuine care for each other and I wonder how did a connection like that burn out as quickly as it formed. Maybe it was all a figment of my imagination and I blew it all out of proportion? Maybe I wanted to believe that we were "good".

Despite all that has been said and done, I still have a hard time grappling with the fact that maybe this time, we're...done. I've always let it slide and assume that someday he'll be back but it doesn't feel like it at all this time.

It feels cold and harsh, like he was made of stone. Like my pleas and tears could not soften him. I used to love his blue eyes that shone so bright but that night, they looked stern and sharp. His mind was made up. I tried to run, hoping he would chase but he let me walk away and every step I took further from him only killed me inside knowing that that separation was permanent.

It's getting better every day but will it ever be the same as it used to be? I cut up pictures and returned the little objects in my life that remind me of him. It's almost like a part of him was in each and every item and I boxed it up carefully to be sure that I don't break them. Still, the thought of him lives vivid in my mind and sometimes I feel like nothing I do will ever erase him for my life. I can't learn to un-memorize the way he said my name or his side profile when he drives. I can't erase the way he laughs or the way he cries or the way he bites his bottom lip.

Maybe in a different time and life and space, we would have it "good". We'd live in a world where the details would be our bigger picture. Some people are meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be together.

---

I don't know how distant this was for you. Can you believe this was just about 2 months ago? How time flies and how things changed, hasn't it?

I used to think that it was such a horrible feeling being so far away from you but right now, if distance would make you miss me, I would gladly do it all over again.

I don't think I'll ever fully know how much you valued me as person and if you really did loved me. Maybe the feeling for you was fleeting and spontaneous, just like how you were as a person and I don't blame you for it.

But I'm hoping you hold the memories and remember me as the girl that loved you too fast at the wrong time. That would be my biggest vice and I wished I could learn how not to care too much.

There will be little reminders of you in my life and every once in a while I will snap to think about how you are and where you are. Whatever it may be, I pray them be only good things.

Now You're Just Someone I Used To Know

2011-09-02T14:00:00.001-06:00

Music: Remind Me - Brad Paisley ft. Carrie Underwood

Day 3 and my insides feel numb.

I've exhausted all my tears and all my pleas.

You're just another stranger in the crowd now. I can't believe I have to go through this all over again and the funny thing is, no matter how many time I go through it, the pain doesn't hurt any lesser.

It's like tearing up old scars.

I feel broken and defeated inside. I feel helpless.

You were once the anchor that held down and grounded me into things that were good. Like love and hope; faith and happiness. And now that you're gone, I'm afloat in the vast ocean, turning and tossing with the waves, with no direction.

I am a train wreck. I fake my smiles and drink to mask the pain. It's destructive because I can't remember the last time I actually ate something solid.

My entire week has been reduced to me, living inside my own little bubble, with no sense of the real world at all. I am not this girl at all. I am not one to wallow and be pathetic but this right here, hurts so much that I wake up only to want to crawl back into bed again.

You say that in the short-term this will be hard. But what if I never forget you? What if inside I'll always love you and miss you? I'm banking on time and I'm banking so hard that it will carry me out of this.

It's Better To Have Loved Than Lost?

2011-08-31T15:25:00.000-06:00

Music: Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy

I am writing to you, exhausted, eyes puffy from tears and with a hole where my heart used to be.

Brian and I broke up.

The words still hit me hard, like diving head first into icy waters. I am short of breath and I don't know how to face the world yet.

So yes, we broke up. Not even all the love could save us; could save the inevitable or could save me from myself.

I told myself that I will never look in the mirror and see the girl that was there a year ago. But here I am, sad and missing the person that I've took so much precaution in loving.

I wonder deep down if you're really that guy. If you love to revel in your coldness and harsh personality. I don't remember seeing that when I was with you. I saw a boy that made me smile, that laughed at the same things I did and that loved the simple things in life.

I wonder if you're just insecure. That's why what they all say matters so much to you. That's why your status in the world matters so much to you. Because you need that constant reassurance that you are good enough. You need the approval of your peers cos you have no fucking idea who you are yet.

I'll have to admit that this hurts on so many levels but thank you for showing me how much of a mistake you were. I've been fighting this battle too long and I've constantly been giving you the benefit of the doubt.

I just want to remind you that you threw it all away. You walked away from me, when I needed you most and when I loved you most.

Don't expect me the same out of me again.

Like All The Boys Before

2011-08-29T22:25:00.000-06:00

Music: Your Biggest Mistake - Ellie Goulding

I hate sitting alone in my room with no access to the outside world at all.

It is depressing and I hate being alone. If you knew me at all, I'm way too much of a people person to be sitting alone and miserable.

This fucking sucks.

My room resembles the aftermath of Irene and I am so close to tears because I feel like my life is in a mess right now. I need structure and consistency and I have none of that right now. Nothing at all. Nothing close to it.

I'm always trying to be a hero. Always trying to inspire, to warrant change and to make an impact in someone, somewhere. I'm always trying to be that breath of fresh air for someone that I end up stifled.

I just want to drink and sleep when the sun rises. Read in hammock and name wild animals that come by and say hello.

What we have here is a dreamer. Someone completely out of touch with reality. When she jumped, she probably thought she could fly.

Answers

2011-08-14T22:59:00.009-06:00

Music: How To Love - Lil Wayne

Fuzzy nights

This is for you, if you ever read it again.

Why are you fighting a losing battle? Some of the things you said were really hurtful. They were sobering thoughts and I never knew you felt that way about me up until that fight in your house.

You think this is hard on you as a person but maybe it is hard for me too? You're one more person I have to include in my life and make sacrifices for.

You act as if I'm asking too much out of you when really I'm merely asking for something everybody wants: security. I want to go to sleep without my mind racing and wake up with sound assurance that you'll be there still, without having to filter through the unnecessary doubts.

I want to be confident in us and feel that what we have is not just some shallow, immaterial fuck. If you want something like that, well honey, we're in college and there's a long line of girls waiting for just that. I could even point you in the direction of some.

Is that so much to ask?

I guess nobody can ever give you that 100% hm? Heck, you wouldn't even know if you'll be alive tomorrow. Maybe it is too much to ask.

I guess what I'd really like is just a little conviction in you. Tell me that I didn't make the wrong choice sticking by you through all that we've been through. I'm not saying it's the worst because nobody's perfect but we can work through these imperfections. I'm not looking for you to give up just because it's "hard". Nothing comes easy, not even love.

So if you're unprepared for this challenge, if you don't think I'm worth the fight and if you wanna take the easier way out, then please, tell me and walk right away. If there's the one thing that would break me more than anything, it'd be mistakenly judging you for all the man that you are. I'm not looking for a coward. I'm not much but I know I can do better than this.

Man up and take the first move if it's in you at all, whichever move it may be. I dare you.

---

You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart,

Never really had luck, couldn't never figure out,

How to love.

---

Happy 3 month anniversary.

Back When We Couldn't Control Ourselves

2011-08-13T17:01:00.000-06:00

Music: Remind Me - Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood

You know how you go through the motions of life and every once in a while you'd meet a person or live an event that made you wish you knew how to freeze time, even for one second.

I don't think I'll forget the anticipation coursing through my veins the day I was supposed to see you again. I was a mixture of excitement, nervousness and fear. I wondered how it would play out, would you hold me so tight you'd never want to let go? Would you kiss me so deep I would feel light headed from it?

I walked down the hall that seemed to go on forever and I caught a glimpse of you standing in front of the door. It felt like my heart was about to leap out of my throat. There was the boy who had been so far away from me for the past 3 months but was now merely steps away.

We spent a day together that felt like a dream. It was like the world melted away and there was just me and you. The past didn't matter, the future didn't exist and the present was golden. Your weight next to me felt like second nature and all these questions that we have now could never have existed.

But right now, I'm sitting alone, refusing any company and wishing I would disappear because I don't know how to throw all that away. Do I burn the pictures we have together? Do I find someone else to replace your laugh and the way you breathe? What do I do? Tell me.

What do I do with this ache that I thought I would never feel again? What do I do with the stupid tears that stream uncontrollably? Do I drink bottles of alcohol and pretend we never happened? Do I sleep with strangers because I miss having you next to me when I wake up in the morning?

I don't know how to replace you. I don't know how to let you go yet. And the worse part is I don't know how to make you love me like I love you now.

Yuck

2011-08-11T19:07:00.000-06:00

Music: -

The week, so far, has been nothing short of incredible. I've never felt so happy to be back with a person than I have this past few days.

I've always been worried about the whole "out of sight, out of mind" thing but this kinda felt like a "absence makes the heart grow fonder" deal. So why am I restless and paranoid all over again?

I feel like I've had multiple warning signs throughout the entire course of this relationship but I've chosen to ignore them? I don't know if that's the wisest decision I've made so far.

I honestly hate this feeling.

The school year starts in less than a week and I'm thinking it's going to incredible. I just got a job at the dorms on campus, I got a new writing gig going on for me with a local publication, my calendar is bursting at the seams with events and mixers and socials for the sorority so why can't I just be happy with all the chaos surrounding me? Or...is about to surround me.

I hate to admit but my mom was right: I don't know what I want. But I like admitting that I'm right too. That you really only have yourself at the end of it.

I think it's stupid that my competition comes in the form of a disgusting collaboration of immature men. I wish I could be more precise but I can't, for various reasons.

It really comes down to what I've always known and am familiar with: independence.

DGAF

2011-08-07T17:33:00.000-06:00

Music: Such Great Heights - The Postal Service

Hi,

It's crazy gorgeous outside and I have been outside. For a good hour actually. Soaking up the sun and trying to turn this damn frown upside down but I can't.

I just feel like getting blitzed out of my mind. But, what kind of impression would that make hm?

I wish I could say "I don't give a fuck" and fucking mean it for once.

Growing Up

2011-08-02T01:43:00.002-06:00

Music: Unbreakable - Westlife

I've randomly stumbled upon some of the songs I used to listen to as a little girl and the feelings that just poured out of me feels almost inexplicable.

I don't know what happened the wide-eyed 10 year old me. I was always a believer and now I find myself standing on the opposite end of the spectrum. I don't know what made me make that transition; whether if it's life or love or both but here I am and I'm not sure if I'm a coward or a realist.

I've always accepted pity and received attention from friends and the people around me like I deserve them. Reflecting upon that now, I realize how pathetic that really is.

So, if you're ever reading again, I just wanted to let you know that you got me thinking about things in the past and things in the present and lesser of things in the future, which is a good step. I wanted to say sorry for the incredible amount of selfish things I've done and also thank you for sticking with me through them sometimes.

Right now, you're my present, not my past and maybe my future. So, I'm gonna take it one step at a time and focus on the now.

And right now, I am 5 days away from seeing you after 2 and a half months.

Bob Marley

2011-07-27T20:15:00.000-06:00

Music: -

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. But if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give.

Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad,

and miss her when she's not there.

Just Once More

2011-07-25T12:44:00.000-06:00

Music: The One That Got Away - Katy Perry

It's like I've always said; moments like these hit me when I least expect it and today, in the midst of sitting under a beautifully shaded bench, with warm summer breezes stroking my face, I feel bluer than the sky above me.

I hate feeling all melancholic. I know it makes me that much more eloquent but only when talking about sad things.

Maybe it's the subtle insecurities that haunt me when I sleep and stays at the back of my mind when I go through the motions of the day. Most of the time, I'm fairly good at keeping them there but today, they're right here, dictating the next words to this blog post.

It's funny. I've been doing really well at school the past 2 weeks. I guess the pressure of summer school just made me step my game up and so far, I'm one of the high achievers in class. But why doesn't that seem enough right now?

I have this deep ingrained fear that very soon I will lose everything I have and love and oh, how much it will crush me this time, I don't know.

---

Last Friday I stepped into a friend's apartment for our regular weekend excursions.

I met a guy and the first things he said to me was, "You look really familiar, like I know you from somewhere."

Honest opinion? I thought that was one of the worst pick up lines ever. But we continued talking and it turns out, he's noticed me walking by the Chemistry building everyday at 11am to my class, and today, point proven because he walked right by me again and smiled.

I just never noticed him and I can't help but wonder, how many other people do I just not notice in my life because I've just grown to being so self-absorbed.

---

In another life, I would be your girl.
We'd keep bullet promises; be us against the world.
In another life, I would make you stay.
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away.

We Were Just Kids In Love

2011-07-24T23:24:00.000-06:00

Music: Broken - Lifehouse

I am a different mixtures of scared tonight.

There's a big part of me that wants to believe and to trust and to be happy. But there's this tiny portion of myself that tells me to hold back, to put my guards up and to never give it my 100%.

That part always wins.

You can't blame me for being skeptical. I know I can't always revisit my past because then I'll forever be afraid but what if this just doesn't turn out to be the way we see it in our heads. What if I never get that security. I can try as hard as I want. I guess we can try as hard as we want but if there were to be a day where we'd have to face each other and face the disappointments that come, we can't run away from it.

I just don't want that day to crush me, as it has in the past. I want some kind of authority or control over my own life. At the very least, the knowledge and assurance that I can get up past it and move on from it instead of revisiting that dark depressing hole.

You know, it's really easy to fall in love and have the tiny little moments light up parts of your life. For me, it's even easier to forgive and give out chances like they all deserve it. Most of the time, I'd like to think they do.

I love him. I know I do and I know he does too, to certain extents.

The fact remains though: Will love ever be enough?

Tearing Me Apart

2011-07-17T19:12:00.000-06:00

Music: Cinema - Benny Benassi (Skrillex remix)

I can't believe that after all that has happened-- been said, done and experienced --it boils down to me. It is still my fault.

I'm taking the blame.

---

Do you have to make me feel like there's nothing left of me? You can take everything I have. You can break everything I am like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper.

---

I'm at a point in my life where tears don't suffice anymore. I used to write and cry and complain my problems away but I'm not that little girl anymore.

But right now, that's the only thing I know how to do.

---

Who said it was better to have loved than lost?

---

I just want you back with me so you can hold me like you mean it and the world would disappear with it. I miss you an incredible amount.

Sometimes I just wish love was enough.

Trololololo

2011-07-13T19:22:00.000-06:00

Music: Learning To Fall - Boys Like Girls

BEST fruit smoothie in a bottle, EVER.

PMS's a bitch.

It was only about 2 days ago that I came home, sulking like a 3 year old and today, I feel perfectly happy and contented with my life even though I know it is just falling apart at the seams.

But it's okay because I took a shower and I drank water. Random, but true.

Lunch...

...was a wonderful assortment of all the beautiful colors and vegetables in the world. Tossed in a handful of garlic for under 10 minutes and served with a side of brown rice, it is the best guilt-less pleasure in the world.

Yes, I am trying this new thing of not eating meat but ah, not because I love animals. But rather because I hate plants. Kidding, I just thought that would be funny. No but the real reason is that meat is way too expensive and there's only so much you can do with chicken breast after a while. So I have decided to dispense with it and spend the extra cash on nail polish instead. That, I kid you not.

Anyway, I have a mountain of homework sitting in my inbox and my backpack but here I am, typing rapidly away on this blogosphere that may or may not be read by people.

I shall be making some lemon poppy seed muffin this weekend just because I want to give them to someone and see them smile.

Pictures will be included of course, so wait for it and bear with me!

One Afternoon in July

2011-07-11T14:32:00.003-06:00

Music: Random dubstep that's obviously such a fad right now.

It's weird that I find my outflow of thoughts the best when I get somewhat somber, or disheartened. The reason for my feelings being that way can't always be pinpointed at one specific issue. Like how I hate what's happening back home and I just wished our leaders could see what we all see and what the world sees and how they could learn from that, if not a lot, then just a tiny bit.

Never before has democracy been so blatantly shoved in our faces and our lives in the past 8 months that even the ignorants are forced to at least Google the definition of the word. We've all witnessed Egypt and Libya and they are fighting for the exact same thing: democracy. How can our leaders be so blind to that when that's the dominating issue in world affairs today?

I do not know what you would say in your defense to the people or excuses that you would make up to the rest of the world to suppress the cries and voices that have been brought forth. I just wish you weren't so ignorant and for once, just listen.

There is nothing wrong in trying to make things right. There is nothing wrong in trying and I salute my fellow countrymen who have done just that this past weekend. Malaysia Boleh.

Now that I've done my obligatory rant, like everyone else, I can move on to more menial things like the way I feel and whether I'll be slitting wrists open today or drown myself in a bottle of wine whilst writing my French paper.

Coming back has been a mixture of emotions for me. One on hand, it feels liberating to be back on my own and getting my life back on track. Well, at least one part of my life. But on the other, I've been missing some real presence of people and relationships in my life. Imagine going from seeing friends every day to only seeing some here once a week, if I'm lucky.

That's one thing I've always had to grapple with since coming here. It's the fact that I am so far away from anyone that I really have to get used to the fact that sometimes, I am just alone.

It always scares me when I start to take things for granted in my life. The moment I start moving into a sedentary lifestyle, I seem to forget the underlying problems in our relationship and today was kind of a buzz kill almost as much as it is a slap to the face, telling me that we're not perfect, we have problems and that I should stop feeling comfortable with this new found happiness.

The truth is it's not gonna last forever and I feel horrible saying this but I have to ready myself for the end because it's going to come like a thief in the night and if I don't put up some barriers, it's going to kill me, to the core.

Well. I suppose my afternoon is set. I shall have a thing of greens and huge bottle of red wine to get me through the workload. Pray I live and if I do, I shall write to all you wonderful people again about other things in my life, oh like, let's say the weather perhaps.

I love you and I love writing to everyone! (alcohol talking)

---

I just want to disappear in your hugs and wished the world would go away with it. I don't know how people do it. How did mom and dad sober up and start to realize that it's the survival of the fittest right now.

It weighs me down all the time and no matter how much I run or hide or cry or drink, it catches up with me, every single darn time.

Fuck me. I don't wanna do this stupid thing anymore.

---

I just want to be where you are tonight.

Be my escape.

303

2011-07-09T12:34:00.000-06:00

Music: -

Rawr.

Baaaack in Boulder.

Summer's here are beautiful. There is always so much to do and see but unfortunately, I am burdened by school and the heavy workload it carries.

Summer school is not for the faint-hearted.

Anyway, this is really such a filler post. Until I can conjure something much more interesting and exciting, this is it for now.

I'm so sad, I really want my writing mojo back!

Blame Games

2011-07-05T07:50:00.002-06:00

Music: -

I'm tired and broken but more than ever, I'm sorry.

If there's one thing about us that I'll always remember is the day I found out what you've done and how painful it was for me to walk back to your apartment only to hear the same old apologies over and over again. I kept saying to myself that those were only words and words were close to nothing.

But I find myself tonight in the same exact position you were in. Helpless and crying, hoping that if there is a God, He would not put me through this. It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle.

I just wish we could turn back time, just a little bit and erase the mistakes we've so foolishly made. I can't help but hold on to the smiles that we've had. Those little moments that we've crafted, that came so naturally and that are worth so much more.

I want to promise you that I never want to see you sad that way ever again. I want to tell you that I'm gonna try everything within my power to make us work because I love you this much and there are a million and one other little things that I want to talk to you about and laugh with you about.

I wanted you to know that I still get the little flutters inside me every time I get to see you on Skype for the first time in a day. There are so many things I'm proud of you for and I can't be happier cos I get to call you mine.

Don't give up on me, baby.

They Paved Paradise

2011-06-29T01:27:00.000-06:00

Music: -

I don't remember the last time I caught a whiff of your aftershave. I don't even remember the way my hands used to run along your back. I guess distance does that, doesn't it? It severs that personal touch.

I wonder if love alone is enough to get us through. I know I love you and I can be patient and forgiving because everybody has flaws. My greatest one is that I am too selfless. I think about my own self last because everybody I love and care about comes first.

But I have to keep reminding myself that you are not me. That is why you can walk away and I can't.

I have long accepted the fact that I will never have what I'm looking for. If all this splendor and grandness disappears within a blink of an eye, I will not be upset.

To tell you the truth, I'm not used to the idea of being happy. It's so much easier to expect the worst out of someone and set your standards low so disappointment doesn't crush you at the end of the day. I know the expectations you have for me and I just don't want you to get disappointed. More than that, I don't wanna feel like I've let anyone down with my incompetency.

If you think you deserve better, you probably do. Some days, I'm tired of trying to prove myself to you.

Sometimes I wonder if you really do "love" me.

---

Just remember that you have your entire life ahead of you and that you will make it matter at some point. Don't get torn up over someone who might not stay forever.

Tryin'

2011-06-26T05:44:00.000-06:00

Music: Someone Like You - Adele

:')

Afternoon thunderstorms in the city never ceases to amaze me. I get a little tinge of happiness every time I hear the rainclouds collide. Sitting inside, buried neck deep in covers, I find it the best time to write.

This reminds me of the times when I was younger. How I would drown myself in a little world I'd created for myself when I heard my parents fight. It's like I have my little bubble of safety where I was invincible. No screams or tears could hurt me.

I was so close to losing something that mattered so much to me last night. I think there's a very fine line between being a realist and a downright pessimist. And though I've always liked to believe that I'm the former, most of the time I'm the latter and it sucks when you get slapped in the face with the truth.

I have to admit that I've been arrogant. Always talking about love and relationships like I know best but really, I'm just bitter from past experiences of it. I know nothing about love or even how to love because I seem to always just hurt the people that I do.

What if things don't work out?

What if things do?

Let It Burn

2011-06-23T13:10:00.002-06:00

Music: Set Fire To The Rain - Adele

It's fake.

I'd give anything to not feel this way.

Why can't things be simple? Dinner, movie and my snuggle buddy back with me. I'd do anything to have that right now.

I've been trying pretty hard to stay away from these emotional, self-centered posts but when I come home late in the night, that's the only thing I'm consumed by. A multitude of worries, doubts and insecurities that cloud my mind.

I'm tired because it gets so tiring after a while.

---

I've been thinking a lot about you and I and how weird it would be if we'd altered our relationship. It's really easy for me to feel protective and jealous over you and that puzzles me. But then again, it could just mean that I really care about you as a friend.

Sometimes I really look forward to seeing you or even just talking to you.

I'm confused.

---

Hi, I just wanted to say that I miss you and our daily mini adventures in Boulder. Whether it's a trip up to the Hill to get lunch and a haircut or a walk to your apartment for some down time.

I wonder if things will change next semester. I really miss what we had and all the shenanigans we would pull off on a weekly basis. I miss our Sunday routines that consisted of huge portions of Pho and expensive trips to the grocery store. I really liked hanging out with you, watching baseball and soaking in the good weather.

Reminiscing doesn't help one bit, does it? I end up missing you even more by the end of it.

1 month til I get to see you. We're so close that it's almost far.

Look At That Star

2011-06-22T07:28:00.003-06:00

Music: Big Jet Plane - Angus & Julia Stone

Wide-eyed.

I haven't been working out in the past 2 days.

Yuck.

I'm kinda ready to leave and get my life going once again. I feel so sheltered when I'm back home that I start worrying about going back to Boulder and having to live on my own again. I guess I've forgotten how much I've liked having my own life. My own schedule, my own set of keys. My...space.

I really wanted to publish something meaningful but my life has been so mundane lately that I can't even make up something interesting. Sad, huh?

I guess have some short-term goals I'd like to achieve in the next couple of days and I'm really determined to make them come true. Maybe I have kinda lost myself in the past 2 years or so and I wanna see my old self again.

I don't expect anybody to understand this post so I'm gonna leave you with a joke/pickup line? I read a couple of hours ago.

You: Were you dropped at birth?
Me: Yes, into a pool of sexy!

HAHAHAHAHA.

Fine whatever. I know I humor myself most of the time.

___

EDIT:

I think it's about time I apologized for some of the mistakes I've made since being home. If you're reading this, you'll know it's for you and I'm really sorry.

I honestly don't know how much of your words are true and how many of them are false. I fail to recognize your genuine intentions towards me and yes, unfortunately, I've stopped trusting you a long time ago.

I think I've given up a fair deal of my life to you and at that time, I was so consumed by the idea of you that I'd resorted to making some poor choices. However, throughout the entire process, I never let myself forget that I had goals for my own life too and I wasn't going to give them up just for you.

Yes, I had hoped that you would be a part of that; a part of my future but things didn't work out that way.

It's been nice seeing you again. You were the first person I can ever say with confidence that I've ever loved. I'm really sorry if things didn't work out the way you thought it would be and I'm sorry for the poor choices I've made in the past few weeks. Maybe I did hurt you and I know sorry is just a word but that's all I can give to you right now.

I really hope you get the most out of what you want in life. You'll find someone who deserves you and she'll be worth it.

Take Time

2011-06-20T01:22:00.001-06:00

Music: My Heart - Irwansyah feat. Acha

I guess I was wrong and I'm sorry.

Maybe it's okay to be a little optimistic and happy.

"Don't promise me forever, just love me day by day.
No one knows the future, we're young but that's okay"

Young Enough To Say

2011-06-19T05:36:00.000-06:00

Music: Good Life - One Republic

Wishes this was a good life.

This was one of the best weekends I've had in a while.

Friends, family, food and enough fun to be passed around twice over. Looking at the big picture, there are a plenty of things to be happy about and I am happy. I just have to convince myself enough that I am and I will be, right?

I'm sorry if I sound ungrateful. I'm really not trying to give out that feeling but I can't help but let a little bit of my disheartenment out. Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly searching for something that isn't there. That I convince myself so much that this fight is worth it but will really end up futile in the end.

I feel like I'm too broken to even feel anything good anymore.

I woke up this morning and realized I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I mean, ultimately, I'd just have to suck it up and move on with my life but I've been so privileged to have you over the past year abroad that if I had to go back without you, I'd most likely feel somewhat...incomplete.

I guess in many ways this thought was a good thing. The past month without you here hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. Maybe it's knowing that I'd eventually go home to you or maybe it's the technology that bridges the distance but none of it is a guarantee that you will be here forever.

I almost wish I didn't do half the things I have already done.

I guess it's just for myself to remember that no matter who I meet or what happens, I have to built something for myself that no one else can take away. Something to call my own and something that never dies. Something that's a 100%, with no room for doubts.

Growing Pains

2011-06-13T12:03:00.001-06:00

Music: Jet Lag - Simple Plan ft. Natasha Bedingfield

From last week's rendezvous downtown.

I once again find myself at this weird stage of preparing myself to leave again just as I am settling back into my life at home.

I don't think I'll ever build something permanent anywhere. Even if I did, it'll be a while once that happens anyways.

I feel like there are larger expectations for me this time going back. I don't think I could pull off being a naive little girl entering the big world anymore because I'm not. If mistakes are going to be made, the repercussions will be on me and I doubt there will be a way to escape.

Just typing that out made me a little squeamish inside. What if I don't succeed? What if I just don't make it.

Swear to god, sometimes I think I'm way too insecure to even be alive. If it was a medical condition, I'd be terminally ill.

I can only pray and keep my fingers crossed that everything will work itself out. And if it doesn't, well, I've just gotta make the best out of it and move on, right?

"FIGHTER"

2011-06-09T11:48:00.000-06:00

Music: -

Well hi.

It's so easy to be under the impression that things have changed and that maybe for once, things are looking up for you.

You walk out the front door feeling like a million dollars and then you step in a puddle of water. Or your bag breaks and that annoying, crushing feeling of disappointment washes over you. You might as well jump of a cliff.

I don't know if I have been sacrificing the right things for the right person. I don't even know if the right person is the right person. Or if the right things are really right things.

I just love mindfucking myself.

I have been settling into this new phase of my life rather nicely. For the most part. There are times though where I catch my mind freaking out and wondering if I made the right decision.

This will always be our problem, won't it? Me, constantly not living up to your expectations. It doesn't matter how hard I try or how many goals I meet. There will always be new goals. New ways for me to better suit you, as if the person I am right now is a lump of ugly clay that you have to mold to make something beautiful, or even acceptable, out of.

I love you and love will just eventually tear us apart.

Futures

2011-06-03T12:37:00.000-06:00

Music: I Love You This Big - Scotty McCreery

So...dilemma.

I don't wanna fall in love.

And no, it's not too late for me to say that. And um no, I guess I don't really know what I want. It's not a surprise. I guess deep down, somewhere, I kinda knew that too but I've just chosen to ignore it.

Why did I do that?! The question that chews away at my sanity. WHAT AM I TRYING TO PROVE? Another self-detrimental question.

God, I'm just such a mess, aren't I?

I've accepted the fact that I'll never be happy and at peace with what I have. I will die...empty. But it will be okay because somehow I am more at peace with that than I am confident about finding something permanent, real and secure.

Hello, trust issues. You have decided to take control of my blog post, haven't you? Well, that's okay. I deal with you most of the time in my head anyway.

Well, there you have it. The sum of my entire life. In 10 years time, at this exact moment and time, I will be sitting in a gorgeous apartment in a big city somewhere, sipping on red wine, watching a re-run of a popular tv show then. I will be sitting in a bath robe and comfy bedroom slippers and it will just be me and my lab dog named Max. Yep, Max. That's what I'm calling him. And yep, it has to be a boy. He will be my snuggle bud on our luxurious velvet red couch.

That's the extent that true love will be for me. Wine, a pup and the best couch in the world. I think I can live with that.

I Miss You

2011-06-01T11:33:00.002-06:00

Music: Back To December - Taylor Swift

Sometime in February

This is the longest I've been away from Brian in a long while.

It's funny how easily dependent you get to another person. If you were to ask me 8 months ago, I would have given you a totally different story about my life and how this person standing next to me in this picture would hardly have even mattered at all.

But right now, I would do anything to have the chance to stand right next to him. I take people for granted so easily and never realized how hard it'd be being away from a person I once spent so much time with.

I can't even explain it in words. I just miss him and that's precisely what it is. No embellishments or metaphors.

I really miss him and that is all I can manage to say.

You Got My Heartbeat Running Your Way

2011-05-28T13:08:00.003-06:00

Music: Super Bass - Nicki Minaj

Rad curls.

1. Feel good songs make me feel really good. And somewhat inspired. If I were to pick a permanent lover, it'd have to be music, regardless of genre or era. Think about it. It gives you the same emotional feelings as another half would. Cries, smiles. I'd just marry music.

2. I don't really know what I'm doing. My friends are so right about me. I have no idea how to handle myself and the people around me. I have no idea why I did that or what I was trying to prove by doing it. I guess it's true: I do like playing with fire.

3. Some days I feel great about us. And then there are days where I know that this is just a passing phase. Another person that comes and will eventually leave. How sad is that?

4. Nicki Minaj ftw.

5. Twirled my hair up in a bun before leaving the house. Came home, untied it and allowed the surprising curls to just tumble down. Gave it a little run through with my fingers and it looked gorg. Gah this love/hate thing between my hair and I.

6. Watched this makeover show on MTV. Teared up because it was so sweet. I miss on going on real dates. Dressing up and eating out instead of sweats and just take out Chinese. There's always the excitement of the first date. All the effort and constant apologies because you're so afraid of saying the wrong thing. Somewhere along the way, this was lost and it saddens me.

Keeping Me Alive

2011-05-27T07:42:00.003-06:00

Music: Waiting Outside The Line - Greyson Chance

Things I live for right now,

Long lasting friends

The feeling that never changes around good company. Something good and real and true. The times I get to be myself, speak my mind, let my guard down, defenses off and still be loved entirely for who I am. Will never trade it for the world.

Brian

The person I wake up to every morning. The person I'm constantly missing and wishing was here with me because then we could share some Indian food and Chinese stir-fry together and I will make him fall in love with Milo ais (because everyone does!) I can't wait to be back in his company.

This rockin' bod.

I don't even think I need any explanation for this one. Look at those thighs, god damn!

Eve

2011-05-24T05:33:00.001-06:00

Music: -

Watching Wall-E tonight because it reminds me of you. A lot of you actually.

I just realized that this was the first movie we watched together on that first date in your apartment. And it was also the last one we threw on, while you packed your things away into boxes.

Feeling nostalgic and kinda emotional today, sigh.

This will all come to pass. Whether good or bad, it will pass, right? :(

Just Sayin'

2011-05-22T20:55:00.001-06:00

Word.

Mantra for the month.

Don't Give Up On Me

2011-05-22T09:50:00.002-06:00

Music: For The First Time - The Script

It's a weird time for me as I step closer to growing up.

The big 2-1.

I know they've said that age was just a number but it doesn't feel that way to me. I literally feel like I'm losing my youth and I feel that carefree spirit slowly draining out of me. I feel like the time for mistakes are long gone and any error you incur now will bring heavy, if not deadly, consequences.

I cannot fail. It's not even option right now. I just can't disappoint anymore.

Sometimes people tell me I'm being too hard on myself. They tell me to let loose and breathe a little. It's tempting but it comes at an expense and I'm the one that lives with it. Not them.

I have to admit however that I have lost focus in the past couple of months. I came to America with a drive and passion so strong it eventually burned me out. It's tough sustaining yourself and trying to live up to the expectations you have set for yourself.

I've never been a quitter and I refuse to succumb to that now.

There is no stability in my life right now and it's making me weary. The days past me by and I wake up every morning without a sense of purpose or meaning. I need something, anything, to accomplish once again.

I called this person at 3 in the morning last night and we ended up talking until I couldn't string a coherent sentence together anymore. I know I've made some poor choices in my life but I've always known you were never a mistake. I don't expect anybody to understand and yes, I expect them to judge but what we had (or maybe even have) just felt so easy. Last night was effortless and simple. I've missed that; how you were like second nature and how we would never run out of things to say to each other. We just ran out of time.

Being with you feels like a constant competition against myself. I feel like I have to continuously prove myself worthy to you because it makes me feel rotten inside when I don't have anything spectacular to say to you in the morning. I wish I had more things to make you feel proud of. Like I said, I can't afford to be letting anyone else down anymore.

Sometimes I let you get to me and think that maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not good enough and there's this deep fear inside me that surfaces and makes me believe that I will never be good enough. There will always be a better choice and so I can't even blame you for picking what's best for you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've always been trying and I don't know if that's what a relationship is supposed to be like. Us constantly trying to make things work or were we just supposed to fit naturally. Because I feel like I've been putting myself out there, wearing my heart on my sleeve and losing a part of myself just to be what you want. Is there really nothing about me that you like?

If only I had the guts to tell you how I felt and how hard it is for me to cope and be optimistic about things. I wake up with insecurities. Knowing that today could be day for you to say that you're done settling with my mediocrity and opting for something, someone, more special.

Every day's a gamble and there's always that percentage for loss, isn't there? We're not a sure bet and there's no guarantee. I could always be the loser again.

EDIT:

Am currently obsessed with losing 20lbs. If you have tips/tricks, fill me in!

Sweetest Sadness

2011-05-20T07:22:00.001-06:00

Music: You and I - Ingrid Michaelson

Hi.

I am sad, anxious, worried, feeling under the weather, under-confident, immensely paranoid, partially suicidal and is thinking about doing some very self-destructive things to distract me right now.

Please don't try and stop me.

Regards.

---

If I had the power to have you here with me right now, you would be.

You would be here and I wouldn't have to go through this painful separation anxiety. I don't know how you're fairing without me. Does it bug you just as much or do you just go through the hours of the days, barely thinking about it?

I wake up every day and wished I had just slept through a week instead of just one night so I would be that much closer to seeing you again. But it doesn't work that way, huh?

I've never understood how 2 people can spend all the time that they had together. I've always thought it would be extremely suffocating and tiresomely stifling. Then I remembered the month that we had together and how I could only remember you from all of it. I miss all that company and how none of it wasn't forced at all.

I can't help but fear that we're never gonna get it right. That this is the beginning of the end and that we won't have what we used to.

Nothing lasts forever, not even you.

A Little Boulder Lovin' and a Little Bit of You

2011-05-18T02:59:00.004-06:00

Music: -

I miss Boulder so so much right now.

The outdoors, the roads, the mountains, the air. the trees, that one crooked bus stop sign.

It's been barely a week and I want to go back already.

Somebody send me off on a 747, PLEASE :(

---

I've been feeling pretty uneasy since I had that huge fight with Brian yesterday.

I mean, I wouldn't say that we were arguing over pointless things but I felt like some parts of it could have been avoided if only I wasn't so stubborn or negative.

I don't ever remember us fighting that badly back in Boulder. I'm not saying that we never did because trust me, we did.

I just don't remember taking Brian for granted that much.

We're just ridiculous together

I left the argument hanging, convinced that I would still have him when I got home. It didn't even cross my mind that maybe he would be just as sick of this tumultuous process as I was. I didn't even think that maybe he was just as hurt and just as tired.

I was as selfish as I've always been and it finally hit me yesterday when my entire relationship was hanging by a thread.

I feel like I cannot apologize enough sometimes but if you're reading this, babe, I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry for putting you through so much. I know you've always said that I've been the one putting effort into us but I think that you have just as much too.

I'll admit that sometimes it crosses my mind, thinking what if we were just a wrong match from the beginning and that we'll just never perfectly fit. But we've been in this for a while now, so there has to be something between us that clicks, right? There has to be something that keeps bringing us back after all the deleting and re-adding on Facebook, after the drunk violent nights, after the walking away and then changing of minds.

I don't know what it is but we're still both here right now and I don't know how long we will be here but for now, I don't want to take it for granted. Distance has this funny thing of accentuating the tiny things you never noticed were there before. Like right now, I really miss your apartment. I have it so memorized, I can almost remember every single clutter.

I want to give us a shot and I'm not walking away until you do.

Forever Came And Gone

2011-05-16T20:27:00.002-06:00

Music: All About Him - Auburn

I just wanted you to know that I want to put effort into us because I know nothing good comes easy.

I'm sorry if I haven't been living up to your expectations thus far.

Maybe we have been broken since the beginning and no matter how hard we try, we can't ever conceal the cracks, can we?

I have to admit that I am way too scarred to even try to believe in anything hopeful anymore. I appreciate your genuine intentions but I can't afford to be naive. I know what it's like to be in that dark dark ditch all by yourself and it took me the longest time to climb out of it. I can't be in there again. I just can't.

I'm starting to wonder if I made the same mistake of believing your words that evening in your apartment. You were so convincing and I was too caring. That has been my only vice. I've always cared too much for anyone and anything that crossed my path.

Sometimes I admire people who can walk away without feeling emotionally affected at all. I've tried but I've never been able to bring myself to entirely do it.

Well I guess now's a good time to start isn't it?

Maybe I shouldn't wait for you to walk way completely. Maybe I'm just tired and I want to leave entirely. Maybe I'm just hurt enough to say that I don't wanna cry or try anymore.

I just want to apologize that I didn't make your cut and I just wanted to tell you that I've tried really hard but maybe we both deserve something else other than each other.

EDIT:

Sounds like the most self-destructive thing ever.

Doing it.

Taken

2011-05-16T03:51:00.003-06:00

Music: The Writer - Ellie Goulding

Are you really in an official relationship? If you are not, don't say you are as you're just being desperate.

This was the latest question I got in my Formspring inbox, 3 hours after changing my relationship status on Facebook.

I love social media in so many ways and then I hate it in so many others as well.

Do I really have to answer this anonymously posted question? Do I really have to explain myself to this person, whom I may or may not know?

No. Because, honestly, if you don't even have audacity to identify yourself online, why should I even bother divulging more information about my life to you?

But I did however answer this person because I did set up my Formspring for a reason. I just refused to leave any comments about his/hers latter remarks though. People can say anything they want, it's a free world. And hey, haters gonna hate.

On a much lighter note, I've been loving everything about home except the weather and awful humidity. I think I've been so used to the dry air and high elevations (coming from 5000ft to 70ft is not a joke) that my system just decided to crash. Added with dehydration and the lack of sleep, that was just a recipe for a disaster.

Why hello again frizz.

Am currently contemplating running a marathon. Gotten my best friend in with me! This summer is gonna be sooo exciting, I can hardly wait!

And then there's this kid and all the shenanigans we pull of together that I can't wait to get back to.

By The Way...

2011-05-14T03:50:00.000-06:00

Music: The One That Got Away - Katy Perry

Oh hi! :)

The usual Skype session with Brian in the mornings. He told me to take a snapshot of him after he took mine without telling me. Obviously, his turned out looking so much better.

Am still feeling greatly jetlagged but it's getting better. I don't sleep as much anymore. I know you're supposed to fight it by not falling asleep as you please but it's my summer break and no one is going to deprive me of sleep!

I have yet to figure out what I should do while I am home. I really do wanna see more friends though, that's for sure!

It's really funny how some things in life just never change and that makes me a little happy. And hopeful.

Oh San Francisco

2011-05-10T01:38:00.002-06:00

Music: -

It is nearly midnight in San Francisco and the weather couldn't be nicer. I'm faced against huge windows that overlook the massive airplanes just sitting in the middle of this airport.

Tonight I am laden with sadness and this deep fear of insecurity.

The waiting hall is filled with anticipating passengers who cannot wait to just get into their seats, only to get out of it a half hour later, convinced they cannot already feel their legs. This 12-hour plane ride cannot be fun, can it?

I always find it somewhat comical how the memories I want to keep the most end up looking fuzzy in my head. I keep different things in my daily life to help me remember them; like a movie stub, a pair of pajama pants, a song or a picture that only remains frozen. Yet I can't seem to keep the details intact in my head. Like the feel of his stubble, the sound of his laugh, the way I fit perfectly when I lie on his chest.

Ouch. My throat hurts from the huge lump that's forming in it. Obviously, I am not about to cry my eyes out in the middle of an international airport.

I've always been so scared of the "what if's" because they have always turned out for the worst. Will I be proven right again this time? It's so easy to make plans for the future and envision it but every time I do, it ends with the exact opposite. I'm afraid to even think of the possibility for us to be happy.

You were wrong. I'm the one who doesn't get to be happy.

100%

2011-05-09T00:24:00.004-06:00

Music: -

It's always times like these that I get extremely nostalgic.

I don't feel too emotionally well right now. Things are going good though, better than I thought it would, but it's not perfect; nothing's perfect though, right?

I really want to skip all the recycled air in airplanes and sleeping on carpets in airports and just be in the car ride back home. I want to skip the safety demonstrations and the anticipation of getting a cute neighbor on your 12 plane ride (what? don't tell me you don't do that!)

I hate airports. I hate security checks. I hate taking off your shoes. I hate fishing for your passport. I hate the lines that are everywhere. I hate that one baby who WILL cry at the back of the plane. I hate reading lights. I hate the annoying hum the plane makes once we're 40,000 feet in the air and in autopilot. I hate the itchy blankets they give us. I hate having to wiggle your out to go to the bathroom. I hate brushing my teeth in those bathrooms. I hate layovers. I hate McDonalds (there's always one in ANY airport you go to). I clearly hate a lot of things about traveling.

I don't know why I'm so antsy this time about traveling. I mean, you would think that at this point I would be so used to it. But I'm not. And it bugs me. One one hand, I want to go home and on the other, I just want to stay in Boulder and love summer.

Meh.

---

Had a full hour skype sesh with him today. Once in the morning and once at night.

He's getting a camera some time this week. Or so he says. So yes, I only speak to a picture of him. Kinda sorta...very lame.

You can't exactly blame me if I have doubts, right up to now at this very moment. I have every reason to. But I'm trying to make things work. I hope we are and that I'm just not in this on my own cos it gets tiring after a while and there's only so much I can do.

I guess I'm dealing with this with as much realism and perhaps even skepticism one can really have. I've had my hopes crushed one too many times to even be naive and "hopeful" about things. I can't decide if that's a good or bad thing. One thing I do know though is that I'm afraid to trust, and living in fear weighs down on you so much.

Maybe it is true that no one can truly give you that 120% assurance. I'll never know if you're going to be there in the morning because you can't promise me that. No one can. Things change, people change and it sucks.

It's late and I'm tired and everything just repeats itself again tomorrow, like it always does.

2011-05-07T14:01:00.000-06:00

Music: Never Gonna Leave This Bed - Maroon 5

The dirty things we do in the dark in front of the camera.

I'm leaving really soon and my room is nothing short of a mess.

I need someone to come help me pack, PLEASE.

Sometimes I wish I could just stay in Boulder for the summer. I love this town. It practically feels like home to me now.

That's obviously not the only thing I miss though.

Alright plane ride and packing. I will own you.

Holding My Breath

2011-05-06T11:01:00.002-06:00

Music: Kiss Me Slowly - Parachute

This is the beginning of forever and I'm not sure what this is going to be.

You cannot imagine the state of my heart the day I saw you shake in your tears. I felt so helpless on my own. On one hand, I wanted to reach out to and hug you and say anything so I wouldn't have to see you like that.

But on the other, I was struggling with my own feelings and the amount of betrayal I felt. I was so angry at you. I couldn't understand how you could throw everything we've had together in one night. I couldn't understand why you would put me through that when you knew how much you meant to me; when you knew how much it would break me.

Why did you?

It's really easy to give the right answer to a situation. It's easy to just say that you should walk away when someone messes up because it's the "right" thing to do. Unfortunately though, our world rarely ever is in black and white. There are always cracks to fall through and the in between of lines to be read.

I realized how much I would miss your sunshine eyes. And your morning face. And the way you held my hand when we went on that ridiculous hike. The way you kiss the top of my head. Most of all, I will miss the person I am when I'm with you. The way you make me laugh, the way you entertain some of the dumbest questions and comments I make.

You say you want me to be happy and I am when I'm with you. I'm not ready to give it all up. Not yet.

I'm hoping you have a good summer and you will miss me just as much as I do already. I'm praying so hard that we get through this and do it all over again when we're back.

But if not, know that I had a great year with you and I'll keep our memories in a little shoebox, so that they don't go to waste.

I will miss you.

Should've Said No

2011-05-05T13:34:00.002-06:00

Music: -

I don't know what to do.

That Final Struggle

2011-05-02T22:19:00.001-06:00

Music: Guns & Horses - Ellie Goulding

It is finals week here at the University of Colorado at Boulder.

For some, it brings out the best in them. And then for some, the worst.

I am not sure where to place myself on that scale. I have to admit that I am not the best student on campus and neither will I be the one graduating with the perfect score. Though I have dreamed of it and believed it when I was younger. And then you grow up and you realize you can't be anything you want to be. Yes, they lied. Sorry, kids.

It's funny how hopeful you tend to be when you were younger. When the magic exists and jumping off the 15th floor wearing a red cape meant you can fly, instead of splitting your head open on a concrete floor.

I'm not sure how I digressed. I tend to do that, don't I?

Just moments ago, merely 3 feet away from me (probably even less), I saw my first drug deal. Okay, it's not such a big deal because it's just Adderrall but still! It's still scary the amount of work kids do here to stay here in school. For those of you who don't know, Adderrall is the kind of drug used to treat patients with ADD or ADHD. The primary use of the drug? To help them keep focus.

I don't think I'll ever resort to that. I mean at this point, you either know it or you don't. Especially with the American education system, where half your grade has already been determined throughout your work in the semester, there's no point in slaving away during finals. But of course, tables are littered with coffee cups, chewing gum, energy drink, cigarettes, anything to keep you awake.

Tell me this doesn't scare you.

I'm feeling pretty good about this semester. I mean, I'm not making perfect grades but they are what I expect them to be with regards to the amount of work I've put in. I'm just really looking forward to taking some time off this summer to be home. I've actually had the chance to miss home and I'm grateful for it.

And yet I know I will miss Boulder.

---

It's been better but that's also the millionth time I'm saying that.

I really want to have hope and I really want to trust that this will pan out well. I can't say goodbye. Not yet.

Smiles? Hopefully for a while.

Bah

2011-04-29T12:54:00.001-06:00

Music: -

I am troubled over troubles that should not be troubling me right now.

I'm just going to let go. Nothing's in my control or power anymore.

"Never love someone who treats you like you're ordinary." - Oscar Wilde

One Week

2011-04-28T12:58:00.001-06:00

Music: Fire To The Rain - Adele

It seems like my life's always about timing.

I have exactly one more week with you before the entire 3 months of separation.

And then, who knows what after that.

EDIT:

I wonder what you say about me in front of your friends. Do you even talk about me?

Good questions.

I hate the person I am when I'm with you. I hate disapproving shakes from everyone around me. I wish they could see the brief moments we have when we're together and not the entirety of the situation.

Maybe that's my problem. I focus on the details instead of the whole. The whole isn't very pretty, is it?

3 years is a long time.

Maybe it's time for a hiatus.

PorcelainHearts

Snowflakes & Silence

Change

Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

Details

Five

Peace

What In The World

If You Choose To Love Me

Is It Too Late?

Kind Of

Remembering

Reality Check

Truths

Sometimes

Dreams

Off Guard

Finally

If Somebody's Got Soul

100%

Winter Wonders

Man Up

This Is The Sound Of My Heart Breaking

Limits

Words

Watching Your World From Afar

Sorries & Scars

Something

Loss

Regrets

Captivated

The Truth

Whenever I Think About You

Next

Coming Home

Wow

Cold

I Beg

Indifference

This Fucking Hurts

In A Way You Fixed Me, And Also Broke Me

10 Things

Fight

Let Go

Sundays

Moving On

Acceptance

Space

The Weakest Link

Weekends

This Was What It Really Meant To Me

Sorry? Nah.

Wait, What?!

Turn Up The Lights

Chapter 1

Those Will Be The Best Memories

Now You're Just Someone I Used To Know

It's Better To Have Loved Than Lost?

Like All The Boys Before

Answers

Back When We Couldn't Control Ourselves

Yuck

DGAF

Growing Up

Bob Marley

Just Once More

We Were Just Kids In Love

Tearing Me Apart

Trololololo

One Afternoon in July

303

Blame Games

They Paved Paradise

Tryin'

Let It Burn

Look At That Star

Take Time

Young Enough To Say

Growing Pains

Next